Dicks

So I measured my Dick with a tube of tooth paste yesterday. The tooth paste is a wonderful measuring tool because you always have tooth paste, and more importantly you know exactly where you keep the tooth paste, because you don't want to be wandering around the house with a boner that you are willing to measure trying to find where you put the ruler last, and potentially losing that better than average boner. Also, the tooth paste, has much in common with the penis, it is very similar in shape/size, and if you squeeze them the right way a white creamy substance comes out the tip. I'm not exactly sure if the are both good for you're teeth or anything, but I guess there is a possibility there. So I had a solid boner going and I grabbed the Colgate as a measuring device and I was doing alright you know, I was weighing in at about Colga.. , which is a lot better than the last time I measured I came up short at about Col.. unfortunately.

I actually read an article the other day that talked about dicks. It said something like on the male body three parts will never stop growing, the ears, the nose, and... the penis. Yes, evidentially our penis' will never cease to grow guys. Sounds great doesn't it? Being 75-80 and packing heat in between the legs, we finally have something worthwhile to look forward too right? Of course, thats what I thought also at first, but then I began to think a little deeper. We will be eighty with the biggest dick of our lives, this salami sized penis but we will never be able to use it! Because really dicks are like concrete, for the most part they are worthless unless they are hard. What a terrible gift from God, God giving us the biggest dong of our lives when we are too old to use it is like being blind and getting a brand new Lamborghini for your birthday. It's like being homeless and getting a 70 inch TV. It's like not having arms and getting a remote control car, or a violin.

Dicks come in all shapes and sizes, and virtually any dick, any dick at all can be compared to a car. For instance, me, i'm driving like a Mazda Miata or like a convertible Chrysler Lebaron, ya know, they are good cars, average size, definitely fun to ride, pretty cool, you are pretty content with owning one, but, it's really nothing you want to brag about. Then you got the other guys who are a little more blessed, they are driving around in a little larger vehicle like a Hummer, or a Expedition, awesome big cars, everyone wants a Hummer or Expedition, but, they don't get good gas milage, you can't ride one for that long with out stopping. While me with the Miata I can drive for awhile but I don't have that SUV size that everyone wants. Then we have the guys who have like a hybrid, a Toyota Prius or something, they definitely don't have the size but you can go on a road trip with one of these cars, you can ride all the way though the night in a Prius without stopping, so they got us there. Then, then we have the poor poor bastards, the guys who got a Geo Prizm, I mean when you have a Geo Prizm its just terrible, when you meet a gal you don't really want her to see you're Geo Prizm, chances are that you got the car from your Dad, he also has a Geo Prizm, it's not in the best shape, doesn't get that good of gas mileage either, it's just something you don't take pride in, but no matter what you still have a car which is much better than not having a car at all.

Dicks are like cars but I have no idea what vaginas are like, those things are weird.

Randy: The Man, The Myth, The Mistress?

Randy: middle aged, bold, pretentious, and mildly over weight.

It was a chilly evening game at Busch Stadium when my cousin and I stumbled into our seats early in the first inning. What appeared to be just an ordinary spring Cardinals game would eventually turn out to be something of the marvelous. After we settle in with some various concession stand purchases, next thing you know we are talking to the gentleman on our right (Randy) about the cardinals, food, etc.

The Kiss Cam is a highly celebrated segment of the Cardinals game, as a joke my cousin leans over to his right towards Randy and Randy's gal jokingly saying, "Ay I don't about you guys but I think you two love birds might make it on the Kiss Cam tonight." To Randy, this was not a joke, as soon as my cousin had finished his sentence Randy's face turned to stone, "I sure as hell hope not!" Randy announced. "Then my wife would see me here with her, she's at home with my eight kids, I told her I was going out golfing." At this point I didn't know what was more ridiculous that Randy had eight kids, that he was blatantly cheating on his wife at the worst place to cheat on your wife at, or that he told his wife he was going golfing at night at she believed it. The next 2 hours consisted of Randy talking about his sexual escapades with his mistress while she is sitting right next to him surprisingly content with him telling their tales from the bedroom, Randy asking my cousin and I advice on his current marriage, "Do you think I should leave her?" and showing us pictures of the deer that he shot during the previous deer season.

"No Randy don't leave you're wife and kids Randy."- My cousin and I

The last pitch was thrown and we talked to Randy about how we need to get together and golf sometime and shoot the shit, we didn't take his number down and we didn't give him ours.

I'm not sure where Randy is right now but chances are he is probably at Hidden Valley "Skiing," at least thats what his wife thinks, but instead Randy is most likely handcuffed to a bed frame somewhere with his pants down at his ankles doing things that might not be legal in the United States.

What's that? Did the Cardinals win?...I couldn't tell you.