Internet link of the week #3

http://www.break.com/index/bowling-ball-nutshot.html

Dear Internet,

Please make me famous.

Sincerely,

Fuck Head

Medicine

Names of medicine are so bizarre these days: acetaminophen, nitroglycerin, etc etc. Sounds like something that Mr. Freeze would take. Who is the prick that came up with these names? No wonder why Grandma can't remember what pills to take at what time.

Grandma: well I take the white ones twice a day, and the round ones once in the morning, and the ones with writing on them at night.
Angry Family: GRANDMA THEY ARE ALL WHITE, ROUND, WITH WRITINGGG!!

I have a solution for these names. Name the pills after what they are for.
This pill is for you head, this pill is called head.
Oh, this pill is for your foot, this pill is called foot.

Doctor: well looks like your having problems with your ass hole.
Patient: I am?

Doctor: Yes, I am going to write you this prescription for some asshole medicine. You can just go to Walgreens and they will give you a months supply of asshole medicine.
Patient: Thanks

Concert Mikey

His name is Mikey, and he is a good egg. He's just like the rest of us, but when it comes time to attend a concert he turns into somethings of the marvelous..."Concert Mikey." He's southern talking, gangsta walking, and he doesn't give a shit about shit. All it takes is a fifth of brunettes and he will be in concert mode for hours. It's like in the Nutty Professor when Professor Sherman Clump takes the solution and turns into a skinny testosterone filled Buddy Love. Only Mikey chugs vodka and brings out "Concert Mikey."

Regular Mikey


Concert Mikey

hair

I like to leave my hair long cause I can always go a little shorter.

but if i keep my hair short…I just gotta wait.

Im tired!!!

Edited Pic of the Week

If you live in a dorm say goodbye to...

1. Privacy
2. Shaving your balls

Internet link of the week #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYH3tRqjs0M

This is why foreigners shouldn't be allowed to make youtube videos. For some reason I always thought eye shadow was for the eyes... stupid me.

Ps, read the comments they are so funny!

Toot it and Boot it

Listen to this shitty song called Toot it and Boot it at least five times. You will be tooting it and booting it the rest of your life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWlMhiEL9Mc

From the looks of this video YG is a Commencement Speaker at a High school graduation, and apparently he one of these on:

Soup

His name is Soup.

• He bangs milfs
• He eats soup
• He bears a great resemblance to the "Shermanator" from American Pie, "Quentin" from October Sky, or basically just look like the actor Chris Owen

It was a warm August evening at a St. Joseph Hall meeting, and Kyle Lewandowski decided to eat Ramen noodles on a trash can during the meeting. Little did we know these actions would result in him being given the nickname Soup forever.

• Soup Doesn't get drunk he gets "Soupy"
• When soup goes to the bathroom he goes and takes a "Soup," not a poop.
• Lets put it this way, a lot of broads have tasted Soup's "Soup."
• One time Soup was craving soup, so he went to a soup kitchen to eat his soup...for free.
• Soup has recently started a rapping career, his rap name, Soup Dogg.
• Soup's testicles are named Chicken, and Noodle.

Poopin

When I go to take a poop, I do not rush it. I take it as a change to meditate, relax, think, and get in touch with myself. Sometimes I sit on the pot so long, I'll walk in with a book in the afternoon and by the time I come out it's dark outside. Then when I go to get up my ass has the ring around it from being pressed on the seat for hours. It is kind of like when you move a coffee table that has been sitting on carpet for years and years. It takes a while to go away too just like the carpet.

So take your time readers, and get your ass marks on.

The Slinger

The Slinger is a Midwestern Diner specialty typically consisting of two eggs, hash browns, and a hamburger patty (or any other meat) all covered in chili (with or without beans) and generously topped with cheese and onions. The eggs can be any style. The Slinger is considered to be a St. louis late-night culinary original. It is described as "a hometown culinary invention" that might account for St. Louis' high rate of Heart disease.

This was the actual definition of the "Slinger," it costs $5.75 and comes with a heart-attack totally free. I havn't gotten one lately because I kind of wanna live past 25 right now, but who knows I might change my mind. The last time I got a "Slinger" at a Courtesy Diner I could hardly decipher what was in the the concoction, these are the only things I could guess: There was a brown goo that looked like it was shoveled out of litter box and ground into paste, melted cheese everywhere, some kind of miscellaneous meat from an animal that I am unsure of, 4 cigarette butts, eggs, I think potatoes, and a bandaid.

I think the only way to make this better is to eat it in a wife beater and cut off jorts, while watching Nascar, with a lit cigarette in your mouth that you never take out, and having been deprived from a shower for at least a week.

That is a rare spectacle right there, almost more rare than...

Actually it's not rare at all, millions of Nascar watching, chain smoking, cut off jort wearing, stinky dudes pour in and out of diners daily to eat this filth.

Names

Its 2010, and there are several names that you can no longer name your children.

These names are:

Darlene

Susan

Earl

Linda

Darla

Lenny

Eugene

and many more.

You just cannot have the name Darlene these days and not be a senior citizen.

15 year old Darlene- "Hey I am Darlene."

Random kid Darlene just met- "Get away"

Sneezing

Their are three type off sneezes, each person either has #1 or #2 but everyone has #3

1. The Suspense building sneeze, the sneeze builds up, but the actually sneeze is practically silent
2. The Roar sneeze, this is loud, shoots projectiles, and is cleansing.
3. The sneeze that it about to happen for 20 seconds then it finally comes.

The suspense sneeze is dangerous because I think one of these days it will cause someones head to explode from trying to muffle a sneeze.

The Roar sneeze is also dangerous, but only when you are operating a car, or heavy machinery. (I guess it has some similarities to alcohol) Because for a second or two you loose control over your body.

Check out the video for details on the sneezes.

Internet link of the week.

Starting today I am beginning a new segment on the blog called internet link of the week. This link can range from YouTube videos, to Facebook things, or any funny/bizarre thing on the Internet. So if you find something good online send me the link on Facebook and it could possibly make it on here. Anyway, without further adue I present to you the link of the week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djYz6p3i-t0

This proves how exceptionally easy it is to write, and perform country music.

Tits

After a long night of drinking Sunny Delight, my friends, Joe, Zach, and I were feeling wonderful. After departing from Robert's Dungeon (The same Robert mentioned in previous blogs) we decided that going to Jack n' the Box would bring us all great joy. Also, my friend Bob was driving separately and was in front of us in the drive through line. Joe had just got done ordering an amount of food large enough to supply the state of North Dakota for 2 1/2 years, and we were on our way to make the exchange at the drive through window for our food. Joe realized that the car behind us was in fact a woman and told me to go talk to her. Me being loaded with Sunny D made this decision rather easy, by the time Joe turned around to hear my response, I was halfway into a strangers car in a Jack n' the Box drive through.

I know your probably thinking "Steve how could anything get better than late night Jack n' the Box?" and I would probably be like "Hang on and I will tell you in the next few lines."

Anyways, as it turns out this woman was in fact drinking and driving, literally, she had a beer in her cup holder that she was drinking. Next thing we know, one thing leads to another and her breasts are fully out for everyone to see. It was awesome, and it wasn't like a flash for two seconds, she just had her jugs sitting out for at least 15 seconds. Joe and I were the only fortunate ones to see these bad boys because Zach was too slow getting out of the car, and Bobby was a car in front of us.

We got back into the car awestruck, got our massive amount of Jack n' the Box, drove away, and thought to ourselves, "Remember when that chick showed us her tits in the Jack n the Box drive through."

Yes, I do.

Good and Evil

The forces of good and evil are blatantly displayed in a few of our everyday foods, such as: Deviled ham, deviled eggs, and Angel food cake. The devil clearly took advantage of two good foods and made them evil. He took an egg, removed the yoke, ate it, and barfed it back up into the egg white. He then took ham, a delicious deli meat, ate just that ham for weeks, then shit it into a can, and gave it to humans. That being so, he created deviled eggs and deviled ham. If you don't believe me just look a can of deviled ham, it actually has a picture of the fucking devil on it.

In other news who would eat a spreadable lunch meat in the first place.

Some people often use the phrase, "Good Prevails." I now believe this phrase is true from what I have discovered about these foods. The devil made his ham and eggs, but the good lord created angel food cake. This cake is food for angels that alone says it all, God gave humans the ability to put cake batter into an oven, and take out a delectable, sweet,and fluffy cake that melts in our mouth. I don't think it is possible to eat a piece of Angel food cake and be disgruntled afterward, or potentially end up with diarrhea like you would if you ate deviled ham.

Eat angel food and get a glimpse of heaven,

or eat deviled ham and get a glimpse of dysentery.

I think I will stick with the angel food cake.

Good Prevails.

Tables of over six.

When is the time going to come when tables at restaurants cannot have over six people at them. Because when you sit at a table of ten or twelve you really only talk to the six people surrounding you. I get the idea that you would want to be together as a group but its just gay to have more than six, it's impossible to talk to the people at the end opposite of the one that your sitting at.

"HEY GRANDPA PASS THE SALT!!"

"HUH?"

"PASS THE SALT!!"

"HUH?"

"THE SALLLLT, PASS IT!"

"OH, CATCH!"

Then he hits your aunt in the face with a rather heavy shaker of salt, thus ruining the extended family dinner. It would be the same way with friends.

"HEY CARL WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. AFTER . THIS?"

"OHH, NOTHING."

Now everyone in the restaurant hates you, thus proving my point that they should make a six person limit at each table.

Check it out!

Mime

Last week I was driving and I was stopped at a red light. I looked to my right and a man was in his car next to me miming, he was putting his hands up to the glass, acting like he was tapping on it, and trapped. It was rather funny. I then got the arrow to turn left and drove away laughing to myself thinking, "What a silly bastard, I need to do that to someone."

Later that night I was watching TV and the news was on. It turns on that the man I had seen earlier had died, he was trapped in his car at that light, and suffocated to death from carbon monoxide poisoning.

This one question has haunted me everyday of my life since the incident.

Why the fuck didn't he open the door or window?

and as I sit here today I have finally found out the reason why......

Because he was too busy miming.

Poop

Their are many different types of poops.

1. The log- It sinks, it's huge, its solid.
2. Diarrhea- Liquid, requires a lot of wiping.
3. The floater- Stinks up an entire house, weird smelling, weird coloring, requires a minimum of at least 5 wipes.
4. Floating Diarrhea- When you look at this poop your first thought is, "I think I'm sick." It sticks together, but it is not a solid turd, It floats.
5. The XL Log- This turd comes out quick, pain free, when we look at this turd we think, "Holy shit this has to be a personal record." We wish someone was around to show, or that we had a camera available, we also feel that putting toilet paper into the toilet ruins this new work of art.
6. The Watery Poop- Yes, this is worse than diarrhea, Wiping= Take a shower.
7. The Leftovers- This poop is normal, you flush it, come back two hours later and there are pieces of it in the toilet still, we wonder how this is possible because we did actually flush.

To be continued...

Camping

WE SHOULD GO CAMPIGNGNGNNG!

That phrase often springs about in conversations with friends. Usually these people don't understand what camping is, or have not ever been camping, or it has been awhile since they camped.

Here are the things you have to be able to deal with if you want to camp:

• Bugs, alot of bugs, so many bugs they even roam to your privates.
• No heat. No A/C. ( Yea, I think i'll stay inside)
• You know sometimes when we don't shower like a day or two then we go outside and sweat and it mixes with our dirty body, basically cleaning the dirt with our own sweat. Thats happens for multiple days.
• You know when your power goes out and your like FUCK the power is out, its going to get so hot, I can't get on the computer, my phone is about to die and I can't charge it, I can't get food out of the fridge. THATS CAMPING!

Camping is fun, but if you follow this blog you know how I feel about centipedes, and those bastards are outdoors.

So in the words of Jim Gaffigan, I am would you could call indoorsy.

Gay

gay |gā|

adjective ( gayer , gayest )

1 (of a person, esp. a man) homosexual • relating to or used by homosexuals 2 lighthearted and carefree • characterized by cheerfulness or pleasure• brightly colored; showy; brilliant

Me- "Dude check out my new bike."Josh- "That's fucking gay man."
This is a situation that the dictionary left out. Here Josh used the word gay to call my bike dumb, or stupid looking. Now this could also be Josh saying my bike is homosexual, that is correct according to the dictionary.
But too often gay is used to explain something stupid, dumb, or bad such as: Homework, school, work, or a meeting. This means gay has a whole new meaning that is not in any dictionary. I think its about time they revise that shit and start printing gay as an adjective for stupid things because this new form of gay has been sweeping the nation since 2001.
So get your shit together Webster Dictionary, and add the new form of gay.

Funniest Thing on The Internet

Bare with me here, watch this video first all the way through,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzKtPezPsqE&feature=related

Then watch this one. Tell me what you guys think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6y6Dk-_J3A&feature=popular

I couldn't actually write a whole blog describing this simply because words can't explain how hard I laughed.

Apple

Since it is tax free weekend in St. Louis, today I ventured to West County Mall in search of an Apple computer. When I arrived at the Apple store I was about to walk inside when I realized that to my right was a line about 450 feet long. Seeing this made me really angry inside, but I chose to remain in the line in hopes of purchasing an iMac today (Which I am typing on right now). After 60 long minutes I reached the door, entered the store and began to shop. There must have been 89 employees helping customers. (Shit was crazy) Apple's customer service is the tits by the way, I can't think of anything they didn't do. Unless they offered you oral sex before you left, thats about the only thing they left out that would improve the experience. Think about it, you can walk in get on a really nice computer and do nearly anything. Like: Take gay pictures with your friends and put them on Facebook, look at porn, check your Facebook, take pictures of your balls with the built in cameras, and use the iphone to send dirty texts to your friends and mess with them, basically the sky is the limit at the Apple store.

So next time your at the Apple store say thank you, and at least play with all the cool shit.

Also why the fuck is it called Apple, and who is the robot who took a bite out of every single apple on every single one of their products. That robot must like apples, but just the first bite off the right side.

Robert Pham: The history and mystery.

He has a black belt in Jujitsu, Karate, and Tiquando. When he says "Get the fuck out of my basement," you get the fuck outta his basement.

Once his dad came downstairs And exclaimed, "Party over!" while opening the door. Robert rolled over in a computer chair, scissor kicked the door shut and yelled out, "No it's not!" ...the party continued.

It is impossible to break something in Robert's basement, unless Robert wants to break it.

The term concrete jungle was originally the term for Robert's basement.

After I encouraged Robert to try and chain smoke for an hour, he did so willingly consuming 29 KOOL cigarettes, and zero oxygen. And people say smoking isn't "KOOL."

I have a theory that Robert is actually bald, and that the hair that shows out of his hat is attached to the hat. It is like one of those Jamaican hats with the dreadlocks attached hanging out of the sides.

I don't think Robert has ever peed at one of his parties.

Once I attempted to play pool with Robert in his basement, he was going to break. Before shooting for some reason he said, "Hey Steve, eight ball that pocket," and pointed to the far left pocket. He shot, every ball went in without scratching, I look into the left pocket, it was the eight ball. I haven't played pool since.

To be continued...

Hypocritical Driving

Everyone who is a licensed driver in the US is a hypocrite while driving. I know this because I myself am hypocritical when I drive. When you're running late for something, anyone who prevents you from reaching your destination on time is a pain in the ass. Anything they do is incorrect such as: driving the speed limit, turning left when you are behind them, or not noticeing the light turning green instantly. This results in us riding the other drivers ass, cussing them out to everyone in our car, or if no one is in the car with us then cussing at them aloud to ourselves.

If we are not late just cruising along and some one starts riding our ass or honking at us for turning left, then we immediatly think those people are mother fuckers that are unfit to drive a motor vechicle. We all do it, it's one of the joys of being a licensed driver. I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says proud to be hypocritical driver.

Mom's Jewelry

So two days ago I was at my friend Colin's house. Colin was getting ready and he was about to take a shower. As he began walking into the bathroom he said, "Steve dude just sit there, don't go stealing my mom's jewelry or anything." So of course I replied with "Alright I'm going to go steal your mom's jewelry." He actually said to me do not steal my moms jewelry. First off, who steals jewelry these days? Unless you're Marv and Harry from Home Alone, who wear snow hats, gloves, and snatch loot with crow bars... ah the good ol days.

I think if I had to live a life of crime, (I'm not exactly sure why I would be forced into a life of crime) but hypothetically, if I was forced into crime I would most likely pull the heist from Inside Man. If you have not seen Inside Man you are an ass hole because its the best movie on earth, and Gerard Butler is down right handsome

Homework for tonight: Watch Inside Man

Due tomorrow

Pet peeve of the week.

When kids wear white socks in jumpy things and it makes their socks turn brown. Gross

Piss Ant

So my father was mad at me the other day for doing something stupid. Instead of just calling me a fucking idiot he said this metaphor: Dammit Steve, Your so dumb if brains were bombs, you wouldn't even have enough to blow the balls off of a piss ant!

Yes, let me explain that.

• My father said If brains were actually bombs I wouldn't even have enough bombs, (Brains) to blow just the balls off of a piss ant.
• A piss ant is even smaller than a regular aunt.
• I wouldn't even be able to blow just the balls off, thats how much brains I have.

I got served.

Toilet Paper

Today as I pooped I began to think of the roll of toilet paper. Who landed on the size of those squares? I don't think I have ever taken a poop and only tore off one or two of those 4 inch x 4 inch squares to wipe my butt. If you only used one I think you would end up touching your own poopy butt. Im thinking about starting a petition to send to toilet paper companies to lengthen the size of the squares to really long rectangles of about 17 inches. That would give the average poop wiper plenty of paper to double fold (If your one of those people), or do the crumble technique (If your one of those idiots.) Im a strong advocate for the fold and role technique instead of the crumble. The crumble is good for keeping your hand a safe distance away from the poop, but its not effective in helping the environment because you only really get one good wipe at a time, two if your lucky. That is just a textbook waste of paper goods.

So next time you wipe people, fold and role. Its the least you can do.