Dicks

So I measured my Dick with a tube of tooth paste yesterday. The tooth paste is a wonderful measuring tool because you always have tooth paste, and more importantly you know exactly where you keep the tooth paste, because you don't want to be wandering around the house with a boner that you are willing to measure trying to find where you put the ruler last, and potentially losing that better than average boner. Also, the tooth paste, has much in common with the penis, it is very similar in shape/size, and if you squeeze them the right way a white creamy substance comes out the tip. I'm not exactly sure if the are both good for you're teeth or anything, but I guess there is a possibility there. So I had a solid boner going and I grabbed the Colgate as a measuring device and I was doing alright you know, I was weighing in at about Colga.. , which is a lot better than the last time I measured I came up short at about Col.. unfortunately.

I actually read an article the other day that talked about dicks. It said something like on the male body three parts will never stop growing, the ears, the nose, and... the penis. Yes, evidentially our penis' will never cease to grow guys. Sounds great doesn't it? Being 75-80 and packing heat in between the legs, we finally have something worthwhile to look forward too right? Of course, thats what I thought also at first, but then I began to think a little deeper. We will be eighty with the biggest dick of our lives, this salami sized penis but we will never be able to use it! Because really dicks are like concrete, for the most part they are worthless unless they are hard. What a terrible gift from God, God giving us the biggest dong of our lives when we are too old to use it is like being blind and getting a brand new Lamborghini for your birthday. It's like being homeless and getting a 70 inch TV. It's like not having arms and getting a remote control car, or a violin.

Dicks come in all shapes and sizes, and virtually any dick, any dick at all can be compared to a car. For instance, me, i'm driving like a Mazda Miata or like a convertible Chrysler Lebaron, ya know, they are good cars, average size, definitely fun to ride, pretty cool, you are pretty content with owning one, but, it's really nothing you want to brag about. Then you got the other guys who are a little more blessed, they are driving around in a little larger vehicle like a Hummer, or a Expedition, awesome big cars, everyone wants a Hummer or Expedition, but, they don't get good gas milage, you can't ride one for that long with out stopping. While me with the Miata I can drive for awhile but I don't have that SUV size that everyone wants. Then we have the guys who have like a hybrid, a Toyota Prius or something, they definitely don't have the size but you can go on a road trip with one of these cars, you can ride all the way though the night in a Prius without stopping, so they got us there. Then, then we have the poor poor bastards, the guys who got a Geo Prizm, I mean when you have a Geo Prizm its just terrible, when you meet a gal you don't really want her to see you're Geo Prizm, chances are that you got the car from your Dad, he also has a Geo Prizm, it's not in the best shape, doesn't get that good of gas mileage either, it's just something you don't take pride in, but no matter what you still have a car which is much better than not having a car at all.

Dicks are like cars but I have no idea what vaginas are like, those things are weird.

Randy: The Man, The Myth, The Mistress?

Randy: middle aged, bold, pretentious, and mildly over weight.

It was a chilly evening game at Busch Stadium when my cousin and I stumbled into our seats early in the first inning. What appeared to be just an ordinary spring Cardinals game would eventually turn out to be something of the marvelous. After we settle in with some various concession stand purchases, next thing you know we are talking to the gentleman on our right (Randy) about the cardinals, food, etc.

The Kiss Cam is a highly celebrated segment of the Cardinals game, as a joke my cousin leans over to his right towards Randy and Randy's gal jokingly saying, "Ay I don't about you guys but I think you two love birds might make it on the Kiss Cam tonight." To Randy, this was not a joke, as soon as my cousin had finished his sentence Randy's face turned to stone, "I sure as hell hope not!" Randy announced. "Then my wife would see me here with her, she's at home with my eight kids, I told her I was going out golfing." At this point I didn't know what was more ridiculous that Randy had eight kids, that he was blatantly cheating on his wife at the worst place to cheat on your wife at, or that he told his wife he was going golfing at night at she believed it. The next 2 hours consisted of Randy talking about his sexual escapades with his mistress while she is sitting right next to him surprisingly content with him telling their tales from the bedroom, Randy asking my cousin and I advice on his current marriage, "Do you think I should leave her?" and showing us pictures of the deer that he shot during the previous deer season.

"No Randy don't leave you're wife and kids Randy."- My cousin and I

The last pitch was thrown and we talked to Randy about how we need to get together and golf sometime and shoot the shit, we didn't take his number down and we didn't give him ours.

I'm not sure where Randy is right now but chances are he is probably at Hidden Valley "Skiing," at least thats what his wife thinks, but instead Randy is most likely handcuffed to a bed frame somewhere with his pants down at his ankles doing things that might not be legal in the United States.

What's that? Did the Cardinals win?...I couldn't tell you.

1 year.

Since July 7th the blog has officially been around for a year. Even though Colin Dowd is the only kid reading these I still love writing them. Right now I'm trying to get a website going to host my blog, videos, and other things. I may post some blogs sporadically but I make no promises Dowd.

I think it's a safe presumption to make that I am doing exactly what I was one year ago, sitting in my underwear drinking coffee and blogging.

Sam's Club

Have you ever been sitting around thinking...Goddam I want 36 bags of Cheetos?

..No

How many times have you thought...Man is there a store that I can buy 100 pack of condoms, 200 precooked tyson chicken strips, and a flat screen TV?

..Never

Well do I have the store for you, Its called Sam's Club.

At Sam's club you can buy car tires,get gas for your car, you can purchase a cell phone to call your wife and tell her your cooking dinner tonight cause the kids are gone, get an outdoor swing-set for your kids, flowers to put around the swing set, purchase a new glasses prescription so you can watch your kids play, get a diamond ring and a bottle of wine for your wife tonight, pasta and dessert to go with the wine for dinner, condoms for after dinner with the wife, Tylenol for the hangover from drinking to much wine with your wife, eggs bacon and pancakes for breakfast, a laptop for your kid going away to college, diapers for the baby, diapers for you, an above ground pool, a book for the pool, a lawn chair to sit in while your read your book by the pool, sunscreen for when your reading your new book by the pool in your new chair, a new swimsuit to wear while you are sitting by your new pool with your new book and new chair, aloe for the sunburn from sitting by the pool all day, a camera to take pictures while at the pool, a printer to print the pictures that you took by the pool, paper to put in the new printer taken by your new camera, then a new couch to sit on, to watch your new TV, a new bed to sleep in, and finally a fucking alarm clock to wake your stupid ass up.

You can literally purchase nearly anything at Sam's Club, every item that I listen above can actually be purchased at Sam's Club, look it up on their website.

What's next...surgery, dentistry...a brothel?!?!

Imagine that, "Yes sir we can pull that tooth that is aggravating you but you have to get 15 teeth pulled, sorry we are a bulk store."

or

"Looks like we can give you the kidney transplant, but you have to get both done, sorry we are a bulk store."

or

"Yes you can pay for sex here, but our BJ's only come in 20's, sorry we are a bulk store."

Ok well Maybe the last one isn't bad, but Sam's Club is still taking over the world!

Sim Jim?

I don't even know where to start on this one... how about the name.

Slim Jim

1. Sounds a lot like a nick name that a man named Jim would name his penis, only this is a salty spicy eatable meat penis.
2. It actually sounds like a pimp name, "Whats good Slim Jimmmm!" Only this pimp doesn't offer to give you the company of his hoes for a price, instead this Slim Jim gives you diarrhea and bad breath.
3. If you abbreviate the name to SJ and say, "Hey man give me one of those SJ's" it sounds too much like a crude sexual act..an SJ. Perhaps getting an SJ is some sort of oral sex act involving an actual Slim Jim. Maybe "Snap into a Slim Jim" has some correlation to getting an SJ, like "Awww yeaa baby snap into that Slim Jimmm." I think Slim Jim's hoes might have been the first ones to give customers SJ's...this has gone on way to long.

I have had several Slim Jim's throughout my life so I already know that I probably wont make it into my seventies, and a few on them were the giant Slim Jim's so right now I'm hoping I'm lucky enough to see my fifties.

• Maybe the name is Slim Jim because the first man to eat the beaf stick was named Jim and after he ate it he got deathly ill and when the doctor saw him he was like, "Well, your chances of living are very very Slim Jim."

You can actually buy Slim Jim's that have cheese in each wrapper, they are called Mild Beef 'N Cheese Sticks...no comment.

Slim Jim's are so awful that they have to dare you to eat them now. Slim Jim recently launced a new line of Slim Jim's called, "Slim Jim DARE."

This is not a joke, that is a real image, check out the slogan on that banner..."Your brain thinks it's meat. Your mouth thinks it's the apocalypse." This couldn't be more accurate your brain thinks it's meat, it isn't fucking meat your brain just thinks it is. I think they really should change the second sentence from "Your mouth thinks it's the apocalypse." to: "Your bowels think it's the apocalypse." Just to refresh our memory the apocalypse can be defined as:

• the complete final destruction of the world, esp. as described in the biblical book of Revelation.
• an event involving destruction or damage on an awesome or catastrophic scale.

Yep, that sounds about right. Introducing Slim Jim Dare, "YOUR BRAIN THINKS IT'S MEAT. YOUR BOWELS THINK IT'S THE APOCALYPSE."

Randy Savage also known as the Macho Man, passed away earlier this month in a car accident. Officials suspect he had a heart attack while driving, the Macho Man was a very popular spokesman for Slim Jim in the mid-to-late 1990s. I think we all know who to blame for this terrible occurrence.

...GODDAMN YOU SLIM JIM!!!

Old Man Costume.

During a casual discussion with my friends the other day, we began talking about eighty year old men and that besides the fact that death is very close it would be kind of cool to be eighty because you could get away with so much.

Things I would do if I was eighty:

• Steal anything that could fit in my pocket.
• Wear shorts that expose the bottom half of my sack.
• Harass the youth.
• During the summer months I would go shirtless.
• Start smoking cigarettes.
• Only shop with a motorized cart.
• Through fruit at cars.
• Rip ass in pubic.
• Steal the neighborhood kid's bikes.
• Use the middle finger 100 times more that I did in my past.

I have become so envious of old guys that I am currently saving my money to buy a top-notch old man costume similar to the one Johnny Knoxville uses on Jackass. If I had that costume I could throw it on once or twice a month and buy beer and alcohol for all of my friends with without any questions asked. I would never get carded at any gas station or bar, and I could get into casinos and strip clubs. If anyone asked for my ID I would just tell them, "Fuck you I'm eighty," and I'm sure they would let me right in.

Also I could get a ton of sexy senior citizens...

"Dude smell this!"

This particular scenario happens to each and everyone of us at least three times a year. I am talking about when someone has something that smells terrible and entices you to also take part in smelling the terrible smell.

Many times the individual will smell the item right in front of you. I cannot say how many times someone has taken off their shoe and smelt it exclaiming, "Wooah holy fuck that smells terrible...smell this."

"No."

"Dude smell this"

"No I'm not going to smell that."

I love how sometimes they even get angry that you won't smell it.

"Dude just fucking smell it don't be a bitch."

"Fine."

Most times I do end up being forced into smelling it.

A few months back my roommate Josh had a bottle with milk in it that had been sitting out in the room and it was sealed for about 23 days. Now I knew that there was milk in the container, and I am no scientist but I know what happens to milk if it is left unrefrigerated for weeks at a time...it gets rotten and smells like shit. Well, when Josh decided to open this particular bottle of aging milk he also decided to give it the smell test, thus it immediately caused him to gag and proclaiming how bad that smells. Whats next? He promptly starts to graciously invite me to take part in this bad smell.

All the negative things I know about the milk before smelling it:

• I know that it has been out of the fridge for over a month.
• I know that it is in a dark container, a place were mold thrives.
• I know that the container is sealed thus no venting of smell has been allotted.
• I know that under these conditions milk smells like shit after time.
• I know that judging on his reaction, the last thing that I want to do is smell the milk.

...I smelt the milk.

About a week later I made him smell an old salami sandwich that I left in the fridge for awhile...face it we all do it.