Obama Golf

Obama was seen golfing over his 12 day Christmas Vacation to Honolulu:

Researches say the proof that Obama is skilled at Golf is due to the fact that he is biracial.

(Tiger Woods)

HO, HO, Ho

Why the fuck does Santa say HO, HO, HO, it has no correlation to Christmas, and its not even an expression.

NOOO

THAT ASIAN HAS SOME PIPES!

Whip my bowl cut back in forth...

After her new hit song, "Whip my hair," pop singer Willow Smith decided to change up that hair.

Says the hairdresser: "Hi, Willow what haircut do you want?"

Says Willow; "Well...have you seen that old Jim Carrey movie Dumb and Dumber?"

Snowball

At least players are starting to finally display good sportsmanship. I mean this is a real class act, the Jets entire organization should be proud of this players decision. Throwing Ice chunks into the stand is such a courteous thing to do. I think all the teams in the NFL should model their teams after this charismatic player.

TIME magazine spelling error

I cannot believe such a credible magazine like TIME would make such a spelling error, based off of that cover picture they total mixed up the word person with pedophile.

"Pedophile of the Year TIME"

I bet he had his hands down his pants while they took this picture, just look at that goddam face.

So were do I buy tickets to this?

Fuckin YouTube Comments again.

In other news, weird people should be banned from the fucking internet. Not only did VasilakisDTD comment that he just raped his whole family, but 6 people liked it. Yea I guess the old timers are right about todays youth.

Celery

Top Ten Reasons Why I Fucking Hate Celery

1. It's terrible
2. It kind of tastes like scotch tape.
3. It feels like I am trying to chew a length of hemp when I eat it.
4. If you combine it with peanut butter and raisins it's called "Ants on a Log" for god sakes.
5. Celery is negative calories, (you burn calories eating it) so if you eat it you gain nothing.
6. People commonly associate it with healthy eating.
7. It's like eating solid water, and do I like my water really chewy?...fuck no.
8. Adding Celery to something will never make it better.
9. I have never in my life heard someone say, "Goddammit we forgot to add the Celery, this is terrible without it."
10. The noises it makes when people eat it.

Doc Brown

Google Suggestions

Yes Google I was actually wondering what the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb is.

ChildPredator says:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I was just so shocked

that a man with such

a graceful name would

indulge in such grievous acts.

Day Light Savings Time

Well, as you all know day light savings time comes around twice a year, one time of the year it totally rocks, and the other time of the year it's fucking gay. I think we can all agree that total darkness at 5:00 p.m. is horse shit, because for a solid part of the year if you sleep past 12:00 p.m. consider your day wasted. Also for those months we have to be very careful with our napping schedule, because we all know that taking a nap too late when it is still light out and waking up when it is dark out is like waking up in a parallel universe, or equivalent to the feeling you get when watching the new Alice in Wonderland movie, or any Tim Burton movie.

S0 because I have such a profound hatred for the fall transition Day Light Savings Time, this year I have come up with a solution. I did not change any of my clocks back an hour. So technically it gets dark at six for me, I mean I'm an hour late for a lot of shit but I would much rather have that extra hour of sunlight.

March 13th is when we switch them back, the countdown starts.

Everyday

Starting on Sunday I will start having a blog every single day. I know I have been slacking this past month or so, and I'm fucking pissed at myself too so on Sunday November 21st I will begin blogging every single day. So get ready a holes.

Pointersaurus Challenge

Well today at Fontbonne our activities board decided to plan some good old fashion fun and host a Pointersaurus Pizza eating contest. Me being a huge fan of food gingerly signed up for this event with truck loads of self confidence. The pizza is 26 inches, ten pounds, and built for destruction. Kent (My Partner) and I decided to approach the contest with open minds and eating the pizza with hopes to finish during the allotted one-hour time limit.

5 minutes in: "Holy shit Kent we have an hour to do this, why don't they give us the check now."

10 minutes in: "This contest is a joke and this pizza is actually really good."

20 minutes in: "Man I'm not even full yet, I think we have a sold chance." (I'm starting to get full)

30 minutes in: "Half way dude we just have to eat half of this thing in 30 minutes and were good, besides I still can eat a lot more." (I can hardly eat any more)

40 minutes in: "Those kids next to us are going to puke for sure." (I might puke pretty soon)

50 minutes in: "Ew that kid just puked!" (I'm the happiest man ever because we were the last team standing and I did not have to eat for the last 8 minutes)

Now the challenge is over and I feel like a python after eating an entire cow, I won't have to eat for another year, and If I move too fast my stomach will explode.

20 minutes ago I literally just woke up from being in a four hour food induced coma, I think I have a hang over from eating to much pepperoni and bacon, I don't plan on showing any time soon, and I might drop out of college.

Is is worth attempting...no

It's like waking up after you get way too wasted, "Man I'm never fucking drinking again." Except this time I mean it.

At the Nelly go show ya dig

Watch the crowd very closely.

Youtube Comment

True statement.

No Homo.

When us straight men do something that is boarder line gay, or involves getting too close to male genitalia, we shout out, "No homo!" Thus, verifying that we are not gay and are not interested in men.
Well, when gay men do something exceptionally straight such as, banging a girl, watching an action movie, doing construction, or playing with boobs, do they shout out, "No straight!" If not they should start so we can all be equal.

Whorelaween

Halloween, turning honest professionals into dirty whores.

Im sure she will be able to fight a fire safely with that outfit.

Saturday Night

Saturday night...I suppose I will consume a substantial amount of beer and make some mediocre decisions.

Yep, found this comment on a Kid Cudi Video.

Thanks DreamyTheKid for that advice.

Old Story

Welp, I thought today I would dig this story out of the archives for all you bastards that read this thing.

It was Sophmore year of highschool, winter time, after school, about two days after a heavy snowfall, and just four kids who never did their homework so they didn't have shit to do after school. Those kids were Pat (Driver), Justin (Shotgun), Larry (Back seat behind Pat), and me (Back seat behind Justin). We starting off throwing snow balls at people on foot around school but that got old, so we all piled in to Pat's car which at the time was a vintage Isuzu Trooper, also know as the "Troop Deluxe." After that we decided to make a series or very good decisions.

Good Decisions:

1. Take the umbrella Pat had in his trunk, fill it with snow, and place it in the back seat so we all can access this, "snow on the go."
2. "Lets throw snowballs at Marco!" (Marco was our mexican friend in highschool, or should I say our amigo.)
3. "Let's throw snowballs at random people walking!"

So we pull up next to these two 30 year old women jogging, Larry launches a snowball and it hits right next to them on the ground, we all laugh and carry on with our afternoon. About 30 minutes later we are about to pull into to our school and we notice the same two women jogging, we slow down to throw a ball of snow at them but before we get to do so one of the women runs out into the street with a stick in her hand, she attempts to throw it at the car, it hits the ground five feet in front of her, marking this moment the funniest thing ever. We all get out and go home with smiles, thinking back on such a fantastic day.

Exactly 3 months and 8 days later Pat arrives at school at 7:40 a.m. and parks his Trooper on the street, as he walks into school he notices a woman running up to his car, she runs up, kicks it, and then runs away.

It was the exact same woman from 3 months prior.

In other words, its 4:38 p.m. I haven't showered in over 24 hours, I'm on my third movie of the day, and I'm not sure if I have eaten anything yet.

Nyquil

Due to the common cold I was dealing with yesterday, I decided to go to the local drug store and pick up some good old fashion over-the-counter drugs to assist me in this time of need. As I browsed the isles I saw hundreds of cold and flu medicines. Dimetapp...no, Sudafed...no, Viagra..no, and then I saw it, that navy blue box glowing from afar down the isle...Nyquil. The drug of all drugs, this will forsure alleviate the common cough and cold. So I purchased Nyquil along with its synonym/antonym Dayquil. I eagerly raced back to my room and I prepared to take the recommended dosage with hopes to put an end to this nonsense. I tore open the box took out two of the gell caps, tossed them in my mouth, took a swig of apple juice, and washed them right down my esophagus...

Next thing I can remember was that I put in a movie, brushed my teethe, and got into bed... Fast forward 7 hours and the next thing I know I'm naked in a Denny's Parking lot at 5:30 a.m. with syrup on my balls, a sausage link up my ass, scarfing down a "Grand-Slam" breakfast.

I never realized how strong that medicine actually is, it's dam near 11:00 in the morning right now and I still can't keep my eyes open, I practically had to do a line of coke just to get out of bed, I don't think coffee will even keep me up today I think I have to step it up today...meth. The back of the package says it has sedatives in it which is basically doctor for horse tranquilizers. I really think that if you took the Nyquil gel caps one day and then went out for a jog and hour later, you would collapse mid-jog and begin to sleep in that exact spot.

So if you happen to have a common cold and forcing yourself into a coma is the only solution, then choose Nyquil cause it always does the trick.

Kanye, more like Kangay

Dear Kanye West,

The title of this blog is "Kanye, more like Kangay" because your gay. I used to like you like 2 months ago, unfortunatly now you are a fucking Douche bag. Why don't you and Lady Gaga hang out, wear some type of meat/poultry together, and move to the North Pole and live in a hole so no one ever has to see or hear anymore of your horse shit pupblisity stunts. I hope one day I can bump into you so I can break a chair over your head.

Sincerely,

Steve.

PS, I bet if that white angel woman moved from on top of you in that painting it would reveal your minuscule penis that is hard to see with the naked eye.

Going Overboard

Many people think that Adam Sandler's best movie was Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison, but those people obviously haven't seen Going Over Board.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/12177/going-overboard?c=Comedy

Del Taco

Last night I ate Del Taco, and just a second ago I took a shit.

This was my order from Del Taco:
6. 39 cent tacos
1. Bean and Cheese burrito

Eating that and then pooping it out and flushing it down the toilet is basically like taking the plastic rings that hold a six pack together and throwing them away without cutting them.

Because there is a chance a small animal might stumble upon one of them in the environment and it will probably cause the animal to die.

Animal Farts

Ah the joys of immaturity.

The Big Leaf Chug

Big Leaf

Yes, this is the leaf, a video about it will soon be on youtube I will have the link up tomorrow niggies.

This is my 100th Blog motha fuckas

My question for you...Which hole is an asses ass hole?

Just watch it.

Piss

Today as I was returning from class, I had to take a piss very bad. Ironically, this was the exact time of the day when the cleaning lady cleans the boys bathrooms on our floor. I rush all the way to the bathroom downstairs throw my books on the floor, and begin running in place to hold my pee in as I try to get the door locked. I finally start trying to undue my belt and as I do this I sneeze very hard, thus causing me to partially piss in my pants. I didn't open the flood gates for the whole time, but they were open for about a 2-mississippi. Basically, I needed new underwear, but my kakis were ok.

Pissing your pants is terrible when you are a freshman in college, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that I was in the bathroom about to piss when I did it I was so close to completing my mission, thats like running the entire boston marathon but right before the finish line you trip and break both of your legs. Nothing like good old fashion failure.

The Bieb is not who he says he is...

Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

Thank you theonion.com for making me piss in my pants.

My Dream Last Night

So, in my dream my friends and I decided to go to taco bell after school. Before entering taco bell I decided that I want to change out of my school shorts in the parking lot. As I begin to pull down my kaki shorts I accidentally pull down my underwear as well, which, for all you idiots out there means that I am only wearing a shirt. Everyone in the taco bell sees me through the window and also sees my penis and balls as I wrestle to pull my shorts and boxers up on my waist where they belong. After about 54 seconds pass by I finally pull my shorts up to conceal my privates, later my friends tell me that everyone in the taco bell was talking about how they saw me naked.

We leave taco bell and decide to go out, somehow we end up on a golf course (you know in dreams how you walk out of your bedroom door and and up in a Sam's Club or something, well thats how I ended up on a golf course) So as we are at this golf course and something causes me to fall over on the tee box with laughter. As I roll over to my back I notice that a woman is standing over me, "Sir, are you Steve?"

"Yea,"

"Well I'm an under cover cop and you are under arrest for indecent exposure outside of a taco bell."

She handcuffs me and takes me to her police vehicle, "So what happens now that I am being arrested for this thing."

"You will have to serve at the bare minimum 90 days in jail if you are lucky, but most likely it will be 180 days."

Im about to shit my pants, and in the dream I think to myself, "Fuck I hope to god this is just a dream." The cop takes me to my parents and I begin talking to them, they are eerily calm about the situation.

Then I woke up.

Mikey's Drinking Game

So with a water bottle full of alcohol, and not a lot of time, Mikey asks Tony to play a drinking game with him. If you are familiar with my blog Mikey is not yet in full "Concert Mikey" mode, but he is definitely well on his way there. He decides to create a game and improvise the rules as he goes, these are the rules Mikey comes up with before the game:

1. Ok I start with the bottle

2. First person to drop the bottle has to drink.

Immediately after Mikey explains the ground rules to Tony, he launches the water bottle at Tony's head and tells him that "He has to drink."

I guess the vodka in the bottle is supposed to numb the injuries from getting hit in the head by a full water bottle.

poopin

poo

Lending Money

We all have done it, it always sucks. It's really interesting sometimes when we lend money to our friends, because they will be willing to pay us back with nearly anything but money. Like I have let a buddy of mine borrow five dollars before, and I swear if the bastard thinks that he has something that is almost equal to that amount of money then he is under the impression that he can just use that to pay me back.

I'll be like "Ryan do you got that five bucks you owe me,"

"Yea dude you can just have this Hocus Pocus VHS and we will call it even."

How about no we won't call it even because I gave you five dollars not fucking Hocus Pocus on VHS, I don't even think I have a VCR to play this anyway.

Or I'll say "Hey can I get that five dollars now or what?"

"No dude I only owe you four because I gave you a bite of my McChicken last week."

It doesn't work like that at all, and even if it did a bite of a McChicken would be worth like 8 cents not a fuckin dollar.

Or the ever popular:

"Hey can I get that money you owe me?"

"No man, I gave you like two rides home this week."

I hate this excuse the most If I gave you two rides last week (which I did) then that cancels out the two rides that you gave me, it has no effect at all on the money you owe me.

Basically this happens for about 7 months, I will never get my five dollars again, and I will like my friend less.

Chicken Fingers

Mary told me she was hungry and that she wanted to get chicken fingers from White Castle. I always thought you could get chicken fingers from White Castle, I guess I was wrong.

Just joking, she actually got engaged to the man working at White Castle, he couldn't afford a wedding ring so he thought this was suitable. "A relationship bonded by chicken"

"Four Loko"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXgm01r_wBU&feature=related

Doesn't Loko mean crazy in some foreign language?

"Oh really..." Of the Week

O really kid that might be 12, might be 20, might be 15, might be 70, you really are the best at lip syncing. I thought you were Ke$ha for the entire three minutes and thirty five seconds of your new video, you really do deserve to be an Internet sensation. Honestly I like seeing you sing that song rather than that hooker Ke$ha.

I have one question and one question only for you kid/man/teen...

Do you have legs?

Quote of the month #1

Thanks to my good friend Matt McCormick, I have come up with a new segment on the blog. "Quote of the Month"

Last night after a long night of consuming alcoholic beverages, my friends and I had arrived at our last party of the eventful evening. Matt, who was already painfully intoxicated and two puking episodes in, continued to drink very heavily.

11:32 p.m.- We arrive at the party still chanting pussy to Matt because he puked out of the car just a second ago...we tell all of our friends about what happened.

11:48 p.m.- Matt is noticeably more intoxicated since the time we arrived.

12:02 a.m.- Matt falls down.

12:03 a.m.- Matt falls down again, I announce that I will bet any money that Matt pukes later, Justin quickly obliges.

12:15 a.m.- Matt gets up from sitting down outside, he appears to be walking as if he is trying to balance a washing machine on the top of his head, as he walks he begins to puke every five steps. Justin and I high five each other because we "Called it." Matt stumbles behind a shed and some one comments, "Man he is going to be puking all night long." We all agree.

12:16 a.m- A loud crash comes from behind the shed, this is Matt. We all rush over to check and see if Matt is still conscious...he is.

12:17 a.m.- Matt is laying in weeds and will not sit up, Justin announces to Matt that if he doesn't cooperate he will beat the fuck out of him...Matt sits up.

12:19 a.m.- We decide to take Matt inside, as we walk through the house we notice something on Matts shirt, turns out its blood. I look at Matts elbow and it is pouring out blood, I think to myself wow this is fucking crazy. We take Matt out front to figure out how he is bleeding like this.

12:20 a.m.-Justin tells Matt to sit down, Matt won't sit down because, "I'm fucking fine guys!" Justin swings at Matt and misses on purpose, Matt sits down.

12:21 a.m.- Turns out Matt has a hole in his arm that is pouring out blood, I'm no genius but I think it is from the fall that he took.

12:23 a.m- We have to help Matt to the car because his ability to walk has gone out the window.

12:27 a.m.- Matt pukes out of the window of the car.

12:29 a.m.- Matt says the quote of the month after puking for a second time, he pulls his head back into the car and says, "Like this is only because I go to Meramac."

Reincarnation

I don't believe in reincarnation, but if it is true I think I was black in my past life, not just because I have a huge penis, but because I get really nervous around police officers whenever I see them.

Johnny Bravo goes to Fontbonne University

Edited Pic

Internet link of the week #6

Man what a smart wigger.

http://www.break.com/index/kid-accidentally-shoots-dads-ak-47-indoors

"Oh really..." Of the Week

Oh really The Untouchables, for the longest time I thought Sean Connery was just an irish prick with a good accent, man was I wrong. Oh and by the way Kevin Coster I was waiting for you to play baseball the entire movie, and guess what you didn't. Anyway that mother fucker Al Capone had it coming though.

Polo T Shirts

It has become an epidemic in high schools and colleges all across the United States of America. It is a solid colored shirt with nothing else on it but a tiny polo horse on the breast of the shirt. At first you would see someone wearing it at a party every once in a while, and then it happened. Next thing you know there are 24 different pastel colors of plain polo shirts getting worn at the same party. Don't think that you can get away with going to a party these days with a polo shirt on and not match some one else, because I have seen matching polo shirts at parties all to much. Its very popular but I'm sure it will fade out just like all the other old trends such as: New Balance shoes, and popped collars.

A couple of my friends wearing polo shirts at the same party,

not matching, but you get the idea.

Pee Pants

Intentionally peeing in your pants is the worst best feeling ever.

Multch

Fontbonne apparently had landscapers put in a whole bunch of new mulch all around campus today in the flower beds, and around trees to make it look a little better, but it definitely didn't make it smell any better thats for gosh damn sure. It essentially smells like the landscapers shit into all of the flower beds instead of putting mulch into them. I don't understand people who decide to put mulch in their gardens, it smells like rotten feces, and it only looks good for a second, by the time it stops smelling like shit, it starts to look like shit. Then we have to go through that same process over and over.

So do the right thing and get fucking rock!

Boobs

If straight guys love girl's boobs,
does that men gay guys love man boobs?

Edited Pic

Internet link of the week #5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxeYXyPv6lA&feature=channel

Tay Zonday Killin it!!!!

And I thought Chocolate Rain was a one hit wonder...boy was I terribly wrong.

This was a comment on one of his videos, I think it's laugh worthy:

"Oh really..." Of the Week

O really Lady Gaga? A bacon dress? I guess you really are a cunt. I never thought bacon could be put to bad use, but you obviously proved that to be entirely wrong last night.

Ps. you had a fucking steak on your head too, I hate you.

Hey Lady Gaga guess what three things I used to love, but now I don't because you ruined them?

1. Music

2. Bacon

3. Steak

I can't believe a pig had to be killed so you could wear it on your filthy tits.

Sincerely,

Steve

Springfield Police

At first I thought it was a SWAT team, then I realized it was only the Springfield Police. They waited until the darkness of the night to seize the party, hoping to take some arrogant college kids directly to the slammer. For crying out loud they tackled a black man on crutches because they claimed "He was holding two very long shotguns to hold himself up." I looked one in the eye and he threatend to put me away for 28 years. All I know is that I ran as far as I could, and where I ended up I will never know.

So dont F with the Springfield Police!

Twins

I hope that when I decide to have kids, I have identical twins. Not many people know this but when you have identical twins you get two things for the price of one. When you begin to send your child to catholic school they are still very young, so you name them the same name and send them to school every other day as one kid. Then, when the one kid gets home he can tell the other one what they did in class on that day and vice versa. Think about that it's like a getting a quality catholic education buy one get on free, who can pass that up!

...I'm pretty sure thats not illegal.

Black

I wish that like once a week I could be black for one day. I would just like pick what day and then I would be black for 24 hours. That would be so cool.

Stairs

Now days we have so much new technology that is so bizzare and advanced, im not sure what more we could possibly come up with. Think about some of the shit people have invented: a robot vacuum cleaner, the moblie phone, uh...computers, Ipods so small that you could lose them for a week if you put it into your pocket, and so on and so forth. For gods sake the Iphone has an application were you can hold it to a speaker that is playing a song and it will tell you the song. Yea, it actually can do that. It seems like just yesterday that when we would hear a song we liked on the radio that we didn't know, we just had to wait for it to come back on. Oh wait, THAT WAS ALMOST JUST YESTERDAY! Macintosh only comes out with new technology every 4 seconds.

Everyone is so busy jacking off Steve Jobs, and Thomas Edison for Apple computers and light bulbs that we forget about even simpler inventions. I bet your thinking: "Steve what are these simple inventions you speak of?" Hmm I don't know maybe the STAIRS, last time I checked we use the steps everyday and so far it has been a pretty solid invention, it hasn't failed us yet since like 8,000 b.c. Maybe the fucking wheel, we always talk about the invention of the wheel but guess what we never talk about Johnny Wheel, the founder of such a succesful invention. Or the more modern invention that has been sweeping the nation ever since it was created, the guy that decided it would be cool to add an a after the word hell, thus creating "hella." These molders of our great country have gotten lost in the mix over the years, so show them a little respect.

I know one this is forsure, these forgotten inventors are "hella" cool.

Edited Pic

Internet link of the week #4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD1lZP9TJP4&feature=related

Doug Benson, he is star from the film Super High Me, and he is one funny mother fucker.

"I've been smokin the I can't find my keys weed."

"Oh really..." Of the Week

Oh really Brendan Fraser, Furry Vengeance? We let Journey to the Center of the Earth slide, but this is the last fucking straw. Why does that raccoon know how to properly operate a garden hose, and if you are not careful that grizzly is going to put his cock up your butt. You did wonders in the film Encino Man, after the first time I watched it I was convinced you were a caveman for years after. But this, this makes me want to get sprayed in the nuts with cold water by a wild raccoon.

Offical Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CimpBqZoiQ

I guess the director was really interested in having Brendan Fraser getting squirted in the privates with things.

2012

Dear Earth,

Please don't end in 2012, I will appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Steve Raines

Old Technology

At one time is our lives we all owned a N-64 or Sega Genesis, that is just a fact. Also, we all were taught by our elders that when the game decides not to work for some reason, we take it out, give it a swift blow, and reinsert the game cartridge for guaranteed results. It always worked, bottom line. Why cant that be the case with more modern technology, we even try it and just wish it will be like our old game systems. O really my phone doesn't work? I'll just take out the battery blow on it and put it back in i'm sure it will work...it never works. O really computer you have a virus? I'll just blow on you and you better start working...it wont start working.

One day I want to wake up in a world were just blowing on broken things fixes them. Car doesn't start? Blow on it, it will start. Broken arm? Blow on it, it will heel

Thirsty Thursday

If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'ld been married long time ago
Where did you come from where did you go
Where did you come from Cotton-Eye Joe

Pet Peeve

I hate when you see someone that knows you, and knows you know them. And you know that they know that you know them, and they know you. And then they don't say hey, or act like they know you.

That pisses me off

Internet link of the week #3

http://www.break.com/index/bowling-ball-nutshot.html

Dear Internet,

Please make me famous.

Sincerely,

Fuck Head

Medicine

Names of medicine are so bizarre these days: acetaminophen, nitroglycerin, etc etc. Sounds like something that Mr. Freeze would take. Who is the prick that came up with these names? No wonder why Grandma can't remember what pills to take at what time.

Grandma: well I take the white ones twice a day, and the round ones once in the morning, and the ones with writing on them at night.
Angry Family: GRANDMA THEY ARE ALL WHITE, ROUND, WITH WRITINGGG!!

I have a solution for these names. Name the pills after what they are for.
This pill is for you head, this pill is called head.
Oh, this pill is for your foot, this pill is called foot.

Doctor: well looks like your having problems with your ass hole.
Patient: I am?

Doctor: Yes, I am going to write you this prescription for some asshole medicine. You can just go to Walgreens and they will give you a months supply of asshole medicine.
Patient: Thanks

Concert Mikey

His name is Mikey, and he is a good egg. He's just like the rest of us, but when it comes time to attend a concert he turns into somethings of the marvelous..."Concert Mikey." He's southern talking, gangsta walking, and he doesn't give a shit about shit. All it takes is a fifth of brunettes and he will be in concert mode for hours. It's like in the Nutty Professor when Professor Sherman Clump takes the solution and turns into a skinny testosterone filled Buddy Love. Only Mikey chugs vodka and brings out "Concert Mikey."

Regular Mikey


Concert Mikey

hair

I like to leave my hair long cause I can always go a little shorter.

but if i keep my hair short…I just gotta wait.

Im tired!!!

Edited Pic of the Week

If you live in a dorm say goodbye to...

1. Privacy
2. Shaving your balls

Internet link of the week #2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYH3tRqjs0M

This is why foreigners shouldn't be allowed to make youtube videos. For some reason I always thought eye shadow was for the eyes... stupid me.

Ps, read the comments they are so funny!

Toot it and Boot it

Listen to this shitty song called Toot it and Boot it at least five times. You will be tooting it and booting it the rest of your life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWlMhiEL9Mc

From the looks of this video YG is a Commencement Speaker at a High school graduation, and apparently he one of these on:

Soup

His name is Soup.

• He bangs milfs
• He eats soup
• He bears a great resemblance to the "Shermanator" from American Pie, "Quentin" from October Sky, or basically just look like the actor Chris Owen

It was a warm August evening at a St. Joseph Hall meeting, and Kyle Lewandowski decided to eat Ramen noodles on a trash can during the meeting. Little did we know these actions would result in him being given the nickname Soup forever.

• Soup Doesn't get drunk he gets "Soupy"
• When soup goes to the bathroom he goes and takes a "Soup," not a poop.
• Lets put it this way, a lot of broads have tasted Soup's "Soup."
• One time Soup was craving soup, so he went to a soup kitchen to eat his soup...for free.
• Soup has recently started a rapping career, his rap name, Soup Dogg.
• Soup's testicles are named Chicken, and Noodle.

Poopin

When I go to take a poop, I do not rush it. I take it as a change to meditate, relax, think, and get in touch with myself. Sometimes I sit on the pot so long, I'll walk in with a book in the afternoon and by the time I come out it's dark outside. Then when I go to get up my ass has the ring around it from being pressed on the seat for hours. It is kind of like when you move a coffee table that has been sitting on carpet for years and years. It takes a while to go away too just like the carpet.

So take your time readers, and get your ass marks on.

The Slinger

The Slinger is a Midwestern Diner specialty typically consisting of two eggs, hash browns, and a hamburger patty (or any other meat) all covered in chili (with or without beans) and generously topped with cheese and onions. The eggs can be any style. The Slinger is considered to be a St. louis late-night culinary original. It is described as "a hometown culinary invention" that might account for St. Louis' high rate of Heart disease.

This was the actual definition of the "Slinger," it costs $5.75 and comes with a heart-attack totally free. I havn't gotten one lately because I kind of wanna live past 25 right now, but who knows I might change my mind. The last time I got a "Slinger" at a Courtesy Diner I could hardly decipher what was in the the concoction, these are the only things I could guess: There was a brown goo that looked like it was shoveled out of litter box and ground into paste, melted cheese everywhere, some kind of miscellaneous meat from an animal that I am unsure of, 4 cigarette butts, eggs, I think potatoes, and a bandaid.

I think the only way to make this better is to eat it in a wife beater and cut off jorts, while watching Nascar, with a lit cigarette in your mouth that you never take out, and having been deprived from a shower for at least a week.

That is a rare spectacle right there, almost more rare than...

Actually it's not rare at all, millions of Nascar watching, chain smoking, cut off jort wearing, stinky dudes pour in and out of diners daily to eat this filth.

Names

Its 2010, and there are several names that you can no longer name your children.

These names are:

Darlene

Susan

Earl

Linda

Darla

Lenny

Eugene

and many more.

You just cannot have the name Darlene these days and not be a senior citizen.

15 year old Darlene- "Hey I am Darlene."

Random kid Darlene just met- "Get away"

Sneezing

Their are three type off sneezes, each person either has #1 or #2 but everyone has #3

1. The Suspense building sneeze, the sneeze builds up, but the actually sneeze is practically silent
2. The Roar sneeze, this is loud, shoots projectiles, and is cleansing.
3. The sneeze that it about to happen for 20 seconds then it finally comes.

The suspense sneeze is dangerous because I think one of these days it will cause someones head to explode from trying to muffle a sneeze.

The Roar sneeze is also dangerous, but only when you are operating a car, or heavy machinery. (I guess it has some similarities to alcohol) Because for a second or two you loose control over your body.

Check out the video for details on the sneezes.

Internet link of the week.

Starting today I am beginning a new segment on the blog called internet link of the week. This link can range from YouTube videos, to Facebook things, or any funny/bizarre thing on the Internet. So if you find something good online send me the link on Facebook and it could possibly make it on here. Anyway, without further adue I present to you the link of the week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djYz6p3i-t0

This proves how exceptionally easy it is to write, and perform country music.

Tits

After a long night of drinking Sunny Delight, my friends, Joe, Zach, and I were feeling wonderful. After departing from Robert's Dungeon (The same Robert mentioned in previous blogs) we decided that going to Jack n' the Box would bring us all great joy. Also, my friend Bob was driving separately and was in front of us in the drive through line. Joe had just got done ordering an amount of food large enough to supply the state of North Dakota for 2 1/2 years, and we were on our way to make the exchange at the drive through window for our food. Joe realized that the car behind us was in fact a woman and told me to go talk to her. Me being loaded with Sunny D made this decision rather easy, by the time Joe turned around to hear my response, I was halfway into a strangers car in a Jack n' the Box drive through.

I know your probably thinking "Steve how could anything get better than late night Jack n' the Box?" and I would probably be like "Hang on and I will tell you in the next few lines."

Anyways, as it turns out this woman was in fact drinking and driving, literally, she had a beer in her cup holder that she was drinking. Next thing we know, one thing leads to another and her breasts are fully out for everyone to see. It was awesome, and it wasn't like a flash for two seconds, she just had her jugs sitting out for at least 15 seconds. Joe and I were the only fortunate ones to see these bad boys because Zach was too slow getting out of the car, and Bobby was a car in front of us.

We got back into the car awestruck, got our massive amount of Jack n' the Box, drove away, and thought to ourselves, "Remember when that chick showed us her tits in the Jack n the Box drive through."

Yes, I do.

Good and Evil

The forces of good and evil are blatantly displayed in a few of our everyday foods, such as: Deviled ham, deviled eggs, and Angel food cake. The devil clearly took advantage of two good foods and made them evil. He took an egg, removed the yoke, ate it, and barfed it back up into the egg white. He then took ham, a delicious deli meat, ate just that ham for weeks, then shit it into a can, and gave it to humans. That being so, he created deviled eggs and deviled ham. If you don't believe me just look a can of deviled ham, it actually has a picture of the fucking devil on it.

In other news who would eat a spreadable lunch meat in the first place.

Some people often use the phrase, "Good Prevails." I now believe this phrase is true from what I have discovered about these foods. The devil made his ham and eggs, but the good lord created angel food cake. This cake is food for angels that alone says it all, God gave humans the ability to put cake batter into an oven, and take out a delectable, sweet,and fluffy cake that melts in our mouth. I don't think it is possible to eat a piece of Angel food cake and be disgruntled afterward, or potentially end up with diarrhea like you would if you ate deviled ham.

Eat angel food and get a glimpse of heaven,

or eat deviled ham and get a glimpse of dysentery.

I think I will stick with the angel food cake.

Good Prevails.

Tables of over six.

When is the time going to come when tables at restaurants cannot have over six people at them. Because when you sit at a table of ten or twelve you really only talk to the six people surrounding you. I get the idea that you would want to be together as a group but its just gay to have more than six, it's impossible to talk to the people at the end opposite of the one that your sitting at.

"HEY GRANDPA PASS THE SALT!!"

"HUH?"

"PASS THE SALT!!"

"HUH?"

"THE SALLLLT, PASS IT!"

"OH, CATCH!"

Then he hits your aunt in the face with a rather heavy shaker of salt, thus ruining the extended family dinner. It would be the same way with friends.

"HEY CARL WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THIS?"

"WHAT!"

"WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. AFTER . THIS?"

"OHH, NOTHING."

Now everyone in the restaurant hates you, thus proving my point that they should make a six person limit at each table.

Check it out!

Mime

Last week I was driving and I was stopped at a red light. I looked to my right and a man was in his car next to me miming, he was putting his hands up to the glass, acting like he was tapping on it, and trapped. It was rather funny. I then got the arrow to turn left and drove away laughing to myself thinking, "What a silly bastard, I need to do that to someone."

Later that night I was watching TV and the news was on. It turns on that the man I had seen earlier had died, he was trapped in his car at that light, and suffocated to death from carbon monoxide poisoning.

This one question has haunted me everyday of my life since the incident.

Why the fuck didn't he open the door or window?

and as I sit here today I have finally found out the reason why......

Because he was too busy miming.

Poop

Their are many different types of poops.

1. The log- It sinks, it's huge, its solid.
2. Diarrhea- Liquid, requires a lot of wiping.
3. The floater- Stinks up an entire house, weird smelling, weird coloring, requires a minimum of at least 5 wipes.
4. Floating Diarrhea- When you look at this poop your first thought is, "I think I'm sick." It sticks together, but it is not a solid turd, It floats.
5. The XL Log- This turd comes out quick, pain free, when we look at this turd we think, "Holy shit this has to be a personal record." We wish someone was around to show, or that we had a camera available, we also feel that putting toilet paper into the toilet ruins this new work of art.
6. The Watery Poop- Yes, this is worse than diarrhea, Wiping= Take a shower.
7. The Leftovers- This poop is normal, you flush it, come back two hours later and there are pieces of it in the toilet still, we wonder how this is possible because we did actually flush.

To be continued...

Camping

WE SHOULD GO CAMPIGNGNGNNG!

That phrase often springs about in conversations with friends. Usually these people don't understand what camping is, or have not ever been camping, or it has been awhile since they camped.

Here are the things you have to be able to deal with if you want to camp:

• Bugs, alot of bugs, so many bugs they even roam to your privates.
• No heat. No A/C. ( Yea, I think i'll stay inside)
• You know sometimes when we don't shower like a day or two then we go outside and sweat and it mixes with our dirty body, basically cleaning the dirt with our own sweat. Thats happens for multiple days.
• You know when your power goes out and your like FUCK the power is out, its going to get so hot, I can't get on the computer, my phone is about to die and I can't charge it, I can't get food out of the fridge. THATS CAMPING!

Camping is fun, but if you follow this blog you know how I feel about centipedes, and those bastards are outdoors.

So in the words of Jim Gaffigan, I am would you could call indoorsy.

Gay

gay |gā|

adjective ( gayer , gayest )

1 (of a person, esp. a man) homosexual • relating to or used by homosexuals 2 lighthearted and carefree • characterized by cheerfulness or pleasure• brightly colored; showy; brilliant

Me- "Dude check out my new bike."Josh- "That's fucking gay man."
This is a situation that the dictionary left out. Here Josh used the word gay to call my bike dumb, or stupid looking. Now this could also be Josh saying my bike is homosexual, that is correct according to the dictionary.
But too often gay is used to explain something stupid, dumb, or bad such as: Homework, school, work, or a meeting. This means gay has a whole new meaning that is not in any dictionary. I think its about time they revise that shit and start printing gay as an adjective for stupid things because this new form of gay has been sweeping the nation since 2001.
So get your shit together Webster Dictionary, and add the new form of gay.

Funniest Thing on The Internet

Bare with me here, watch this video first all the way through,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzKtPezPsqE&feature=related

Then watch this one. Tell me what you guys think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6y6Dk-_J3A&feature=popular

I couldn't actually write a whole blog describing this simply because words can't explain how hard I laughed.

Apple

Since it is tax free weekend in St. Louis, today I ventured to West County Mall in search of an Apple computer. When I arrived at the Apple store I was about to walk inside when I realized that to my right was a line about 450 feet long. Seeing this made me really angry inside, but I chose to remain in the line in hopes of purchasing an iMac today (Which I am typing on right now). After 60 long minutes I reached the door, entered the store and began to shop. There must have been 89 employees helping customers. (Shit was crazy) Apple's customer service is the tits by the way, I can't think of anything they didn't do. Unless they offered you oral sex before you left, thats about the only thing they left out that would improve the experience. Think about it, you can walk in get on a really nice computer and do nearly anything. Like: Take gay pictures with your friends and put them on Facebook, look at porn, check your Facebook, take pictures of your balls with the built in cameras, and use the iphone to send dirty texts to your friends and mess with them, basically the sky is the limit at the Apple store.

So next time your at the Apple store say thank you, and at least play with all the cool shit.

Also why the fuck is it called Apple, and who is the robot who took a bite out of every single apple on every single one of their products. That robot must like apples, but just the first bite off the right side.

Robert Pham: The history and mystery.

He has a black belt in Jujitsu, Karate, and Tiquando. When he says "Get the fuck out of my basement," you get the fuck outta his basement.

Once his dad came downstairs And exclaimed, "Party over!" while opening the door. Robert rolled over in a computer chair, scissor kicked the door shut and yelled out, "No it's not!" ...the party continued.

It is impossible to break something in Robert's basement, unless Robert wants to break it.

The term concrete jungle was originally the term for Robert's basement.

After I encouraged Robert to try and chain smoke for an hour, he did so willingly consuming 29 KOOL cigarettes, and zero oxygen. And people say smoking isn't "KOOL."

I have a theory that Robert is actually bald, and that the hair that shows out of his hat is attached to the hat. It is like one of those Jamaican hats with the dreadlocks attached hanging out of the sides.

I don't think Robert has ever peed at one of his parties.

Once I attempted to play pool with Robert in his basement, he was going to break. Before shooting for some reason he said, "Hey Steve, eight ball that pocket," and pointed to the far left pocket. He shot, every ball went in without scratching, I look into the left pocket, it was the eight ball. I haven't played pool since.

To be continued...

Hypocritical Driving

Everyone who is a licensed driver in the US is a hypocrite while driving. I know this because I myself am hypocritical when I drive. When you're running late for something, anyone who prevents you from reaching your destination on time is a pain in the ass. Anything they do is incorrect such as: driving the speed limit, turning left when you are behind them, or not noticeing the light turning green instantly. This results in us riding the other drivers ass, cussing them out to everyone in our car, or if no one is in the car with us then cussing at them aloud to ourselves.

If we are not late just cruising along and some one starts riding our ass or honking at us for turning left, then we immediatly think those people are mother fuckers that are unfit to drive a motor vechicle. We all do it, it's one of the joys of being a licensed driver. I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says proud to be hypocritical driver.

Mom's Jewelry

So two days ago I was at my friend Colin's house. Colin was getting ready and he was about to take a shower. As he began walking into the bathroom he said, "Steve dude just sit there, don't go stealing my mom's jewelry or anything." So of course I replied with "Alright I'm going to go steal your mom's jewelry." He actually said to me do not steal my moms jewelry. First off, who steals jewelry these days? Unless you're Marv and Harry from Home Alone, who wear snow hats, gloves, and snatch loot with crow bars... ah the good ol days.

I think if I had to live a life of crime, (I'm not exactly sure why I would be forced into a life of crime) but hypothetically, if I was forced into crime I would most likely pull the heist from Inside Man. If you have not seen Inside Man you are an ass hole because its the best movie on earth, and Gerard Butler is down right handsome

Homework for tonight: Watch Inside Man

Due tomorrow

Pet peeve of the week.

When kids wear white socks in jumpy things and it makes their socks turn brown. Gross

Piss Ant

So my father was mad at me the other day for doing something stupid. Instead of just calling me a fucking idiot he said this metaphor: Dammit Steve, Your so dumb if brains were bombs, you wouldn't even have enough to blow the balls off of a piss ant!

Yes, let me explain that.

• My father said If brains were actually bombs I wouldn't even have enough bombs, (Brains) to blow just the balls off of a piss ant.
• A piss ant is even smaller than a regular aunt.
• I wouldn't even be able to blow just the balls off, thats how much brains I have.

I got served.

Toilet Paper

Today as I pooped I began to think of the roll of toilet paper. Who landed on the size of those squares? I don't think I have ever taken a poop and only tore off one or two of those 4 inch x 4 inch squares to wipe my butt. If you only used one I think you would end up touching your own poopy butt. Im thinking about starting a petition to send to toilet paper companies to lengthen the size of the squares to really long rectangles of about 17 inches. That would give the average poop wiper plenty of paper to double fold (If your one of those people), or do the crumble technique (If your one of those idiots.) Im a strong advocate for the fold and role technique instead of the crumble. The crumble is good for keeping your hand a safe distance away from the poop, but its not effective in helping the environment because you only really get one good wipe at a time, two if your lucky. That is just a textbook waste of paper goods.

So next time you wipe people, fold and role. Its the least you can do.

Centipedes

I fucking hate centipedes

Cyclists

Yes, I'm talking about those mother fucking ass holes that wear spandex from head to toe, have aerodynamic helmets, expensive bikes, and low sperm counts from sitting on bike seats so much.

Well first off, I hate them. I don't hate everyone and anyone on a bike, I hate cyclists. I hate cyclists mainly because think think they are cars, and also because I can see the outline of their balls through their spandex. All of us at some time or another have been late for something and stuck behind one of these nerds just peddling along thinking they are cars and shit making us normal people even more late.

A while back a wise person invented this awesome thing called the "Sidewalk." The side walk is really a neat thing, kids can play on it, people can walk on it, and most importantly ride bikes on it! So ride on the side walk you faggot cyclists.

Anyway, next time you see a cyclist, do the right thing and throw a stick into their front wheel so they flip over the handle bars.

Facebook birthday.

Todays my birthday. Since it is my birthday and I am a Facebook user, I got the usual large amount of happy birthday wall posts. Seeing your wall cluttered with happy birthdays is a fantastic feeling. My question today is, how do we respond to these generous birthday wishes?
There is always that little feeling inside us that makes us really want to reply on every persons wall and tell them thanks for the birthday wishes, but we don't want to be "That guy." Then there is the option of the "Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone" status and if we were to do that it would make us "That guy."

Facebook has changed birthdays forever.

+ With Facebook everyone is notified when it is your birthday, so more people remember.
+ People you don't know/talk to, say happy birthday on your wall.
+ When it's your birthday you feel like a celebrity with all the wall posts.
- The day after your birthday you still want the rush of non stop wall posts, but you realize your not actually that popular, it was just your birthday.
- You don't know you to thank everyone.

Any who, I will make my status to thank everyone and be "That guy," but I will do it in a little different way. Also if you told me happy birthday today and you are reading this, thanks.