Sim Jim?

I don't even know where to start on this one... how about the name.

Slim Jim

1. Sounds a lot like a nick name that a man named Jim would name his penis, only this is a salty spicy eatable meat penis.
2. It actually sounds like a pimp name, "Whats good Slim Jimmmm!" Only this pimp doesn't offer to give you the company of his hoes for a price, instead this Slim Jim gives you diarrhea and bad breath.
3. If you abbreviate the name to SJ and say, "Hey man give me one of those SJ's" it sounds too much like a crude sexual act..an SJ. Perhaps getting an SJ is some sort of oral sex act involving an actual Slim Jim. Maybe "Snap into a Slim Jim" has some correlation to getting an SJ, like "Awww yeaa baby snap into that Slim Jimmm." I think Slim Jim's hoes might have been the first ones to give customers SJ's...this has gone on way to long.

I have had several Slim Jim's throughout my life so I already know that I probably wont make it into my seventies, and a few on them were the giant Slim Jim's so right now I'm hoping I'm lucky enough to see my fifties.

• Maybe the name is Slim Jim because the first man to eat the beaf stick was named Jim and after he ate it he got deathly ill and when the doctor saw him he was like, "Well, your chances of living are very very Slim Jim."

You can actually buy Slim Jim's that have cheese in each wrapper, they are called Mild Beef 'N Cheese Sticks...no comment.

Slim Jim's are so awful that they have to dare you to eat them now. Slim Jim recently launced a new line of Slim Jim's called, "Slim Jim DARE."

This is not a joke, that is a real image, check out the slogan on that banner..."Your brain thinks it's meat. Your mouth thinks it's the apocalypse." This couldn't be more accurate your brain thinks it's meat, it isn't fucking meat your brain just thinks it is. I think they really should change the second sentence from "Your mouth thinks it's the apocalypse." to: "Your bowels think it's the apocalypse." Just to refresh our memory the apocalypse can be defined as:

• the complete final destruction of the world, esp. as described in the biblical book of Revelation.
• an event involving destruction or damage on an awesome or catastrophic scale.

Yep, that sounds about right. Introducing Slim Jim Dare, "YOUR BRAIN THINKS IT'S MEAT. YOUR BOWELS THINK IT'S THE APOCALYPSE."

Randy Savage also known as the Macho Man, passed away earlier this month in a car accident. Officials suspect he had a heart attack while driving, the Macho Man was a very popular spokesman for Slim Jim in the mid-to-late 1990s. I think we all know who to blame for this terrible occurrence.

...GODDAMN YOU SLIM JIM!!!

Old Man Costume.

During a casual discussion with my friends the other day, we began talking about eighty year old men and that besides the fact that death is very close it would be kind of cool to be eighty because you could get away with so much.

Things I would do if I was eighty:

• Steal anything that could fit in my pocket.
• Wear shorts that expose the bottom half of my sack.
• Harass the youth.
• During the summer months I would go shirtless.
• Start smoking cigarettes.
• Only shop with a motorized cart.
• Through fruit at cars.
• Rip ass in pubic.
• Steal the neighborhood kid's bikes.
• Use the middle finger 100 times more that I did in my past.

I have become so envious of old guys that I am currently saving my money to buy a top-notch old man costume similar to the one Johnny Knoxville uses on Jackass. If I had that costume I could throw it on once or twice a month and buy beer and alcohol for all of my friends with without any questions asked. I would never get carded at any gas station or bar, and I could get into casinos and strip clubs. If anyone asked for my ID I would just tell them, "Fuck you I'm eighty," and I'm sure they would let me right in.

Also I could get a ton of sexy senior citizens...

"Dude smell this!"

This particular scenario happens to each and everyone of us at least three times a year. I am talking about when someone has something that smells terrible and entices you to also take part in smelling the terrible smell.

Many times the individual will smell the item right in front of you. I cannot say how many times someone has taken off their shoe and smelt it exclaiming, "Wooah holy fuck that smells terrible...smell this."

"No."

"Dude smell this"

"No I'm not going to smell that."

I love how sometimes they even get angry that you won't smell it.

"Dude just fucking smell it don't be a bitch."

"Fine."

Most times I do end up being forced into smelling it.

A few months back my roommate Josh had a bottle with milk in it that had been sitting out in the room and it was sealed for about 23 days. Now I knew that there was milk in the container, and I am no scientist but I know what happens to milk if it is left unrefrigerated for weeks at a time...it gets rotten and smells like shit. Well, when Josh decided to open this particular bottle of aging milk he also decided to give it the smell test, thus it immediately caused him to gag and proclaiming how bad that smells. Whats next? He promptly starts to graciously invite me to take part in this bad smell.

All the negative things I know about the milk before smelling it:

• I know that it has been out of the fridge for over a month.
• I know that it is in a dark container, a place were mold thrives.
• I know that the container is sealed thus no venting of smell has been allotted.
• I know that under these conditions milk smells like shit after time.
• I know that judging on his reaction, the last thing that I want to do is smell the milk.

...I smelt the milk.

About a week later I made him smell an old salami sandwich that I left in the fridge for awhile...face it we all do it.

Meeting A Gal In A Bar

Although I'm not of age I can't but help think that I will probably meet a girl in a bar that I might be particularly fond of eventually . Seems like a normal thought, then I began to continuously think of how much of a stranger this girl actually is. Then it came to me, with all the superb advancements that have been made in technology over the past decade almost every person is mentioned somehow on the world wide web. After making this realization I now apply a new procedure after I meet a girl that is essentially a stranger...you have got to Google their full name.

I know your probably asking, "Steve, why would I do such a thing." And the answer is remarkably simple.

Pornography, is a gigantic industry that fuels wages to millions of pornographic actresses, some popular, most not popular at all. I hate to say it but unfortunately no one knows the name of the girl in, "Slut Licks Big Sheep Cock IV," or any of the girls in, "Poop Eaters Part 9."

So as this charming young lady approaches you in the bar guys, or girls if your into that, if you start getting the feeling that you might end up in the sack with this individual, then I would definitely grab your smart phone and toss the name in the Google search bar, cause after all she might have been in, "You Think She's Innocent, But Look At All The Stuff She Can Fit In Her Butt Hole."

Because I don't think you want to end up in your bed with a girl who has licked a sheep dong (I'm not talking about my asian friend Timmy Dong either), eaten poop, or shoved any foreign object up her bunghole for that matter.