Dicks

So I measured my Dick with a tube of tooth paste yesterday. The tooth paste is a wonderful measuring tool because you always have tooth paste, and more importantly you know exactly where you keep the tooth paste, because you don't want to be wandering around the house with a boner that you are willing to measure trying to find where you put the ruler last, and potentially losing that better than average boner. Also, the tooth paste, has much in common with the penis, it is very similar in shape/size, and if you squeeze them the right way a white creamy substance comes out the tip. I'm not exactly sure if the are both good for you're teeth or anything, but I guess there is a possibility there. So I had a solid boner going and I grabbed the Colgate as a measuring device and I was doing alright you know, I was weighing in at about Colga.. , which is a lot better than the last time I measured I came up short at about Col.. unfortunately.

I actually read an article the other day that talked about dicks. It said something like on the male body three parts will never stop growing, the ears, the nose, and... the penis. Yes, evidentially our penis' will never cease to grow guys. Sounds great doesn't it? Being 75-80 and packing heat in between the legs, we finally have something worthwhile to look forward too right? Of course, thats what I thought also at first, but then I began to think a little deeper. We will be eighty with the biggest dick of our lives, this salami sized penis but we will never be able to use it! Because really dicks are like concrete, for the most part they are worthless unless they are hard. What a terrible gift from God, God giving us the biggest dong of our lives when we are too old to use it is like being blind and getting a brand new Lamborghini for your birthday. It's like being homeless and getting a 70 inch TV. It's like not having arms and getting a remote control car, or a violin.

Dicks come in all shapes and sizes, and virtually any dick, any dick at all can be compared to a car. For instance, me, i'm driving like a Mazda Miata or like a convertible Chrysler Lebaron, ya know, they are good cars, average size, definitely fun to ride, pretty cool, you are pretty content with owning one, but, it's really nothing you want to brag about. Then you got the other guys who are a little more blessed, they are driving around in a little larger vehicle like a Hummer, or a Expedition, awesome big cars, everyone wants a Hummer or Expedition, but, they don't get good gas milage, you can't ride one for that long with out stopping. While me with the Miata I can drive for awhile but I don't have that SUV size that everyone wants. Then we have the guys who have like a hybrid, a Toyota Prius or something, they definitely don't have the size but you can go on a road trip with one of these cars, you can ride all the way though the night in a Prius without stopping, so they got us there. Then, then we have the poor poor bastards, the guys who got a Geo Prizm, I mean when you have a Geo Prizm its just terrible, when you meet a gal you don't really want her to see you're Geo Prizm, chances are that you got the car from your Dad, he also has a Geo Prizm, it's not in the best shape, doesn't get that good of gas mileage either, it's just something you don't take pride in, but no matter what you still have a car which is much better than not having a car at all.

Dicks are like cars but I have no idea what vaginas are like, those things are weird.

Randy: The Man, The Myth, The Mistress?

Randy: middle aged, bold, pretentious, and mildly over weight.

It was a chilly evening game at Busch Stadium when my cousin and I stumbled into our seats early in the first inning. What appeared to be just an ordinary spring Cardinals game would eventually turn out to be something of the marvelous. After we settle in with some various concession stand purchases, next thing you know we are talking to the gentleman on our right (Randy) about the cardinals, food, etc.

The Kiss Cam is a highly celebrated segment of the Cardinals game, as a joke my cousin leans over to his right towards Randy and Randy's gal jokingly saying, "Ay I don't about you guys but I think you two love birds might make it on the Kiss Cam tonight." To Randy, this was not a joke, as soon as my cousin had finished his sentence Randy's face turned to stone, "I sure as hell hope not!" Randy announced. "Then my wife would see me here with her, she's at home with my eight kids, I told her I was going out golfing." At this point I didn't know what was more ridiculous that Randy had eight kids, that he was blatantly cheating on his wife at the worst place to cheat on your wife at, or that he told his wife he was going golfing at night at she believed it. The next 2 hours consisted of Randy talking about his sexual escapades with his mistress while she is sitting right next to him surprisingly content with him telling their tales from the bedroom, Randy asking my cousin and I advice on his current marriage, "Do you think I should leave her?" and showing us pictures of the deer that he shot during the previous deer season.

"No Randy don't leave you're wife and kids Randy."- My cousin and I

The last pitch was thrown and we talked to Randy about how we need to get together and golf sometime and shoot the shit, we didn't take his number down and we didn't give him ours.

I'm not sure where Randy is right now but chances are he is probably at Hidden Valley "Skiing," at least thats what his wife thinks, but instead Randy is most likely handcuffed to a bed frame somewhere with his pants down at his ankles doing things that might not be legal in the United States.

What's that? Did the Cardinals win?...I couldn't tell you.

1 year.

Since July 7th the blog has officially been around for a year. Even though Colin Dowd is the only kid reading these I still love writing them. Right now I'm trying to get a website going to host my blog, videos, and other things. I may post some blogs sporadically but I make no promises Dowd.

I think it's a safe presumption to make that I am doing exactly what I was one year ago, sitting in my underwear drinking coffee and blogging.

Sam's Club

Have you ever been sitting around thinking...Goddam I want 36 bags of Cheetos?

..No

How many times have you thought...Man is there a store that I can buy 100 pack of condoms, 200 precooked tyson chicken strips, and a flat screen TV?

..Never

Well do I have the store for you, Its called Sam's Club.

At Sam's club you can buy car tires,get gas for your car, you can purchase a cell phone to call your wife and tell her your cooking dinner tonight cause the kids are gone, get an outdoor swing-set for your kids, flowers to put around the swing set, purchase a new glasses prescription so you can watch your kids play, get a diamond ring and a bottle of wine for your wife tonight, pasta and dessert to go with the wine for dinner, condoms for after dinner with the wife, Tylenol for the hangover from drinking to much wine with your wife, eggs bacon and pancakes for breakfast, a laptop for your kid going away to college, diapers for the baby, diapers for you, an above ground pool, a book for the pool, a lawn chair to sit in while your read your book by the pool, sunscreen for when your reading your new book by the pool in your new chair, a new swimsuit to wear while you are sitting by your new pool with your new book and new chair, aloe for the sunburn from sitting by the pool all day, a camera to take pictures while at the pool, a printer to print the pictures that you took by the pool, paper to put in the new printer taken by your new camera, then a new couch to sit on, to watch your new TV, a new bed to sleep in, and finally a fucking alarm clock to wake your stupid ass up.

You can literally purchase nearly anything at Sam's Club, every item that I listen above can actually be purchased at Sam's Club, look it up on their website.

What's next...surgery, dentistry...a brothel?!?!

Imagine that, "Yes sir we can pull that tooth that is aggravating you but you have to get 15 teeth pulled, sorry we are a bulk store."

or

"Looks like we can give you the kidney transplant, but you have to get both done, sorry we are a bulk store."

or

"Yes you can pay for sex here, but our BJ's only come in 20's, sorry we are a bulk store."

Ok well Maybe the last one isn't bad, but Sam's Club is still taking over the world!

Sim Jim?

I don't even know where to start on this one... how about the name.

Slim Jim

1. Sounds a lot like a nick name that a man named Jim would name his penis, only this is a salty spicy eatable meat penis.
2. It actually sounds like a pimp name, "Whats good Slim Jimmmm!" Only this pimp doesn't offer to give you the company of his hoes for a price, instead this Slim Jim gives you diarrhea and bad breath.
3. If you abbreviate the name to SJ and say, "Hey man give me one of those SJ's" it sounds too much like a crude sexual act..an SJ. Perhaps getting an SJ is some sort of oral sex act involving an actual Slim Jim. Maybe "Snap into a Slim Jim" has some correlation to getting an SJ, like "Awww yeaa baby snap into that Slim Jimmm." I think Slim Jim's hoes might have been the first ones to give customers SJ's...this has gone on way to long.

I have had several Slim Jim's throughout my life so I already know that I probably wont make it into my seventies, and a few on them were the giant Slim Jim's so right now I'm hoping I'm lucky enough to see my fifties.

• Maybe the name is Slim Jim because the first man to eat the beaf stick was named Jim and after he ate it he got deathly ill and when the doctor saw him he was like, "Well, your chances of living are very very Slim Jim."

You can actually buy Slim Jim's that have cheese in each wrapper, they are called Mild Beef 'N Cheese Sticks...no comment.

Slim Jim's are so awful that they have to dare you to eat them now. Slim Jim recently launced a new line of Slim Jim's called, "Slim Jim DARE."

This is not a joke, that is a real image, check out the slogan on that banner..."Your brain thinks it's meat. Your mouth thinks it's the apocalypse." This couldn't be more accurate your brain thinks it's meat, it isn't fucking meat your brain just thinks it is. I think they really should change the second sentence from "Your mouth thinks it's the apocalypse." to: "Your bowels think it's the apocalypse." Just to refresh our memory the apocalypse can be defined as:

• the complete final destruction of the world, esp. as described in the biblical book of Revelation.
• an event involving destruction or damage on an awesome or catastrophic scale.

Yep, that sounds about right. Introducing Slim Jim Dare, "YOUR BRAIN THINKS IT'S MEAT. YOUR BOWELS THINK IT'S THE APOCALYPSE."

Randy Savage also known as the Macho Man, passed away earlier this month in a car accident. Officials suspect he had a heart attack while driving, the Macho Man was a very popular spokesman for Slim Jim in the mid-to-late 1990s. I think we all know who to blame for this terrible occurrence.

...GODDAMN YOU SLIM JIM!!!

Old Man Costume.

During a casual discussion with my friends the other day, we began talking about eighty year old men and that besides the fact that death is very close it would be kind of cool to be eighty because you could get away with so much.

Things I would do if I was eighty:

• Steal anything that could fit in my pocket.
• Wear shorts that expose the bottom half of my sack.
• Harass the youth.
• During the summer months I would go shirtless.
• Start smoking cigarettes.
• Only shop with a motorized cart.
• Through fruit at cars.
• Rip ass in pubic.
• Steal the neighborhood kid's bikes.
• Use the middle finger 100 times more that I did in my past.

I have become so envious of old guys that I am currently saving my money to buy a top-notch old man costume similar to the one Johnny Knoxville uses on Jackass. If I had that costume I could throw it on once or twice a month and buy beer and alcohol for all of my friends with without any questions asked. I would never get carded at any gas station or bar, and I could get into casinos and strip clubs. If anyone asked for my ID I would just tell them, "Fuck you I'm eighty," and I'm sure they would let me right in.

Also I could get a ton of sexy senior citizens...

"Dude smell this!"

This particular scenario happens to each and everyone of us at least three times a year. I am talking about when someone has something that smells terrible and entices you to also take part in smelling the terrible smell.

Many times the individual will smell the item right in front of you. I cannot say how many times someone has taken off their shoe and smelt it exclaiming, "Wooah holy fuck that smells terrible...smell this."

"No."

"Dude smell this"

"No I'm not going to smell that."

I love how sometimes they even get angry that you won't smell it.

"Dude just fucking smell it don't be a bitch."

"Fine."

Most times I do end up being forced into smelling it.

A few months back my roommate Josh had a bottle with milk in it that had been sitting out in the room and it was sealed for about 23 days. Now I knew that there was milk in the container, and I am no scientist but I know what happens to milk if it is left unrefrigerated for weeks at a time...it gets rotten and smells like shit. Well, when Josh decided to open this particular bottle of aging milk he also decided to give it the smell test, thus it immediately caused him to gag and proclaiming how bad that smells. Whats next? He promptly starts to graciously invite me to take part in this bad smell.

All the negative things I know about the milk before smelling it:

• I know that it has been out of the fridge for over a month.
• I know that it is in a dark container, a place were mold thrives.
• I know that the container is sealed thus no venting of smell has been allotted.
• I know that under these conditions milk smells like shit after time.
• I know that judging on his reaction, the last thing that I want to do is smell the milk.

...I smelt the milk.

About a week later I made him smell an old salami sandwich that I left in the fridge for awhile...face it we all do it.

Meeting A Gal In A Bar

Although I'm not of age I can't but help think that I will probably meet a girl in a bar that I might be particularly fond of eventually . Seems like a normal thought, then I began to continuously think of how much of a stranger this girl actually is. Then it came to me, with all the superb advancements that have been made in technology over the past decade almost every person is mentioned somehow on the world wide web. After making this realization I now apply a new procedure after I meet a girl that is essentially a stranger...you have got to Google their full name.

I know your probably asking, "Steve, why would I do such a thing." And the answer is remarkably simple.

Pornography, is a gigantic industry that fuels wages to millions of pornographic actresses, some popular, most not popular at all. I hate to say it but unfortunately no one knows the name of the girl in, "Slut Licks Big Sheep Cock IV," or any of the girls in, "Poop Eaters Part 9."

So as this charming young lady approaches you in the bar guys, or girls if your into that, if you start getting the feeling that you might end up in the sack with this individual, then I would definitely grab your smart phone and toss the name in the Google search bar, cause after all she might have been in, "You Think She's Innocent, But Look At All The Stuff She Can Fit In Her Butt Hole."

Because I don't think you want to end up in your bed with a girl who has licked a sheep dong (I'm not talking about my asian friend Timmy Dong either), eaten poop, or shoved any foreign object up her bunghole for that matter.

What a good job

Boobs

The other day I saw a fabulous pair of boobs. Seeing these nice jugs made me ask myself several philosophical questions such as: Why do guys like boobs? What is there to even like about boobs? When did people start liking boobs? and many more. If we look back into human existence guys were not as fond of tits as they are now in the year 2011.

I've previously blogged about the starting points of certain human behaviors and how they are odd, such as how did people start to realize that they had B.O. which is very similar to the question which I am addressing right now, When and why did guys start loving boobs?

It seems like since the first people that started liking boobs, the interest for boobs has skyrocketed, boobs keep getting liked more and more and In turn keep getting bigger and bigger. If we don't slow this problem down humanity is doomed, breast implants will be given out as habitually as circumcisions.

This is a rough topic for me to discuss due to the fact that I myself am an advocate for boobs, but sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. In the breast category people are starting to learn towards quantity rather than quality which in this case couldn't be more wrong.

We need to come together and focus on these more important issues rather than issues such as the economy and terrorism which are much more venial issues.

And yes, these are the kind of things I think about on a daily basis

Vacuum Drugs

On thursday a woman from Green Bay, Wisconsin opened up a refurbished vacuum cleaner that she received for Christmas from her children, inside the vacuum was 280,000 dollars worth of meth and cocaine. Says the Mother, "Goddammit I warned them to stop or I would vacuum it all up, they just don't listen."

Mexican Burito

Early last week a small city in Mexico broke the world record for the world's largest burito.

In similar news, later that day the same city also broke the world record for most people with diarrhea simultaneously.

Eat Rite

Well its going to be hard not to make this blog 4,000 words long but I will try my best to sum up my experiences at Eat Rite last night.

So after a night of hanging out, my friends and I worked up an appetite and decided to venture off and have a late night snack at the local Eat Rite in South County. It was around 2:00 a.m. when we stepped foot into the Eat Rite, it was packed with 25 people all of which included: Drunks, Old Perverts, A guy trying to sell belts and jean jackets, a couple on a laptop for some reason, and two 60 year old women cooking who don't take any shit.

I came in expecting eggs and some friendly conversation, and I left with an hour of pure comedy. We all sit down and begin to ponder over what to order, as we are doing this our first acquaintance approaches the table, leans down, and spits in Justin's eye while whispering into Kayla's ear. He is old, really old, wearing a top hat with a rough beard, and a jacket that smells like the floor of a bowling ally. He walks off leaving our table in awe and we all share a few laughs. (Except Justin because the spit in his eye might cause him permeant blindness.)

One of the scary old menopausal woman approaches me with a pad of paper,

"Whaddaya want,"

"Uhhh, does the one egg thing come with toast, or a biscuit?"

"Da hofn go,"

"Oh I guess I will have toast,"

"Ba herma do,"

"Toast...I'll just have toast with it,"

"HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR EGGS DONE!"

After shitting in my pants I reply, "Uhhh. sunny. side. up..."

Meanwhile, the jute box is serenading us while Robert says anything he wants, Theresa tells Robert, "You need your mouth washed out with soap!"

Eating a slinger Robert pulls his head up swiftly and replies, "O really Theresa, I already did that with Chili." Thus making no sense, we all laugh heavily.

Now the large group of 20-30 year old drunk people finish their meal. One individual by the name of Robert (Ironic), is so drunk that he comes off as heavily retarded, not an easy feat to accomplish. Robert begins walking toward our table with a really weird smile and when he would stare directly at you for some reason it never looked like he was looking at you. As he started wandering around the small diner his friends continuously yelled out,

"Come her Robert,"

"Rob,"

"ROBERT!"

"Robert,"

"Come on Robert,"

"Lets go Robert."

To which our Robert would reply every time, "WHAT," "YEA," WHHAAT"

We are nearing the end of our meal and the old bowling ally smelling man returns to grace us with his ability to tell jokes, his repertoire of jokes were something like this:

"Hey yall know whata ninety year old woman tastes like..."

"Yall hear about the Jew who was allergic to pickles..."

"Why cantcha get a good suck off in bosnia..." Popping his dentures out at us, and many many more.

After he leaves again to return to his meal we all discuss, "What the fuck is going on?!"

As we are discussing this Drunk Robert is walking behind the counter to hug the two menopausal women, tip them heavily, and receive multiple kisses from the two women.

Now the old man returns, this time trying to sell us belts and jean jackets. Thereby proving to us how eccentric he truly is. Im not sure where the belts and jackets came from or why he is doing it so I try not to touch him or his merchandise.

Drunk Robert and his posse leave, and now we head up to the counter to pay our dues and get out of the Eat Rite Mental Institution. As we are paying at the register, our Robert makes sure he posts on all of our Facebook walls via iPhone, Justin is pissed off about the price, and I watch myself in the security camera TV for awhile.

We walk out the doors, I laugh and think to myself, "Goddammit I'm eating here tomorrow."

Big Poppa

Bet ya have not heard this version YouTuberz

Sending a YouTube Video

YouTube is easily one of the most popular entertainment sites on the world wide web. As YouTube's popularity grows so does the popularity of sending YouTube videos to friends, but if you don't know the right way to send a YouTube video you might have some trouble gaining respect from fellow tubers. There are several funny ways of sending you have to consider when your sending a YouTube Video.

Funny on Purpose: This video was intentionally made to make people laugh, for example sketch comedy, a clip from a movie, or a clip from a TV show, and many others. In order to gain recognition for this send the receiver has to have a common knowledge for that show or subject.

Making Fun of the Person: Although rarely performed this method can be highly successful, and result in the sender coming off as hilarious if done correctly. This method is only to be used for sending a video that would make fun of the receiver, in order for it to be fully affective a comment will have to accompany the video in order to alleviate any misunderstanding.

For example: A friend recently purchases a "Shake Weight," and you have been dying to make fun of them in the best way possible it would play out something like this.

"Hey Mike I have another shake weight for you so your tits can shake like this guys."

Boom. My friend Mike just got served.

Making fun of the Video: If you are sending a video to a dick who likes to make fun of people then the video being sent has to be something similar to the one above. YouTube is flooded with videos of people asking to be made fun of, from weird kids lip syncing to bad songs, to fat guys dancing to "My Humps." This method always results in Catharsis if the the right video is sent.

And

The Sensation: If the right searching is done you can find the new YouTube sensation video that everyone is watching. Even better if you find a video that you can tell is going to be a sensation sending that early on is and even worth more laughs. These videos range from a news story being auto tuned to a baby's finger getting bit. The importance to this is that sending the sensation video to someone who has already seen it lowers your credibility as a YouTuber and lowers their respect towards you as a video sender. So be Careful

So if sent right YouTube Videos can cause urination on the spot. So get the fuck 0ff this blog and get on Youtube and send me a video.

whiskey and sledding last night...puke and head ache this morning

Pennsylvania

-Earlier this week in Pennsylvania a life-size butter sculpture was revealed.
Thus providing that much more evidence that there is absolutely nothing to do in Pennsylvania

- In related news Pennsylvania also decided to stop charging people for cursing, a offensive that could lead to fines and possibly jail time.

Which fuckin reinforces my first goddam point, there is not shit to fucking do in goddam Pennsylvania

Goddam right

Quick video I made today.

Dead Birds

Close to 5,000 birds abruptly fell from the sky only hours before the New Year in Arkansas last Friday. Investigators are looking into the causes.

Said Cletus, "Well last time mamma cooked squirrel I had passed gas and the dog mysteriously passed away, I knew shouldn't of gone outside to relive myself this time."