Centipedes

I fucking hate centipedes

Cyclists

Yes, I'm talking about those mother fucking ass holes that wear spandex from head to toe, have aerodynamic helmets, expensive bikes, and low sperm counts from sitting on bike seats so much.

Well first off, I hate them. I don't hate everyone and anyone on a bike, I hate cyclists. I hate cyclists mainly because think think they are cars, and also because I can see the outline of their balls through their spandex. All of us at some time or another have been late for something and stuck behind one of these nerds just peddling along thinking they are cars and shit making us normal people even more late.

A while back a wise person invented this awesome thing called the "Sidewalk." The side walk is really a neat thing, kids can play on it, people can walk on it, and most importantly ride bikes on it! So ride on the side walk you faggot cyclists.

Anyway, next time you see a cyclist, do the right thing and throw a stick into their front wheel so they flip over the handle bars.

Facebook birthday.

Todays my birthday. Since it is my birthday and I am a Facebook user, I got the usual large amount of happy birthday wall posts. Seeing your wall cluttered with happy birthdays is a fantastic feeling. My question today is, how do we respond to these generous birthday wishes?
There is always that little feeling inside us that makes us really want to reply on every persons wall and tell them thanks for the birthday wishes, but we don't want to be "That guy." Then there is the option of the "Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone" status and if we were to do that it would make us "That guy."

Facebook has changed birthdays forever.

+ With Facebook everyone is notified when it is your birthday, so more people remember.
+ People you don't know/talk to, say happy birthday on your wall.
+ When it's your birthday you feel like a celebrity with all the wall posts.
- The day after your birthday you still want the rush of non stop wall posts, but you realize your not actually that popular, it was just your birthday.
- You don't know you to thank everyone.

Any who, I will make my status to thank everyone and be "That guy," but I will do it in a little different way. Also if you told me happy birthday today and you are reading this, thanks.

Matthew 18:8

"And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into Hell."

Jesus told his disciples that if a part on your body is sinful, it is better to cut it off than to keep it and go to hell. I wonder what the apostles response to that was.

Mark - "So Jesus I get what your trying to say here, but are you talking about any part of my body?"
Jesus - "Yes Mark, any part of your body."
Judas - "Like any any part of our bodies?"
Jesus - "Judas I just told this to Mark, yes any any part on your body, anything."
Judas - "So Jesus what if my penis is the root of my sins?"
Jesus - "Yes Judas you would have to cut your penis off."

I wonder why Judas sold out Jesus to the Romans?

Gay

The other day my friends and I were having a conversation about some celebrity being gay. (A man) The conversation went on, but I thought to myself how is it that a guy can be gay. How can a male human being actually look at a pair of female tits and be like eh, you know what, I don't really like ANY boobs.

Some dudes even turn gay after they have boned girls and stuff. That blows my mind, how do you actually do it with a girl and afterwards just think hmm, not for me. I think I'll switch to DUDES!
ARE YOU SERIOUS.

And for the record I am not homophobic, nor do I hate all gays. But if I saw a man wearing high heels I would have to punch him in the face and hit him in the balls with his purse.

Pee

Today I woke up early walked into the bathroom with my eyes hardly open and started peeing. I then tried to spit into the toliet as I peed, but instead I spit on my dong. What a good way to start the day.

B.O.

How did soap and deodorant come to be? I know for sure it wasn't here forever. Who actually was the first person to realize that they actually smell like shit. How did this conversation go?

Caveman #1-"ugh ah ugh ugh ugh ahhh ah ah ah" (I think we smell really bad)
Caveman #2-"ahhhh ah ah ugh ugh ah ugh ugh" (Woah, your right)

Or did it take longer than that for humans to realize we smell.

Peasant #1- "Is it me, or do we sort of smell like shit."
Peasant #2- "It is you, and me too, we both smell sort of like shit!"
Peasant #2- "Actually, EVERYONE SMELLS LIKE SHIT!"

Next thing you know, Old Spice is invented, saving man kind from body oder, (Except for the bosnians of course). Their ancestors never had that important conversation that is mentioned above.

Axe.

Yesterday evening a Homeless man allegedly tried to rob a Jack n' the Box yesterday. He did so not with a gun, but with an axe. Now that mother fucker wanted some butter milk with his tacos! What's next a chainsaw? Maybe nun chucks? Or perhaps Chinese throwing stars? I don't know yet but I await the next bizarre story on the news. I think he was just chopping wood and walked in to order lunch and everyone thought he was robbing the place because he is black, jerks.

If he was robbing the place how would he do so with an axe, "Everybody get the fuck on the ground or i'll axe you in the face!"
Or, "Give me all the tacos in this bitch or I will chop yo arm off!"

Or maybe, "Hi, can I get a sourdough Jack, four tacos, a chicken sandwich, and a coke please."
Everyone else in the restaurant, "This guy is robbing the place!"


http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_b02e9780-94d4-11df-89d2-00127992bc8b.html

Unpacking

I realized the other day that I really want to pack my things and move. Not because I actually want to move, but because in a way moving is like Christmas for adults except more exciting. Think about it. You rummage through all of your old shit only to find timeless nick-nacks and old things you used to enjoy. Then you put all your stuff into old electronics boxes, and reveal your interesting belongings. I think whenever I have to move next I'm going to have some one else pack my stuff into the boxes and wrap the boxes in festive paper so when I open each box it's a surprise! They will be like a different kind of Santa Claus, instead of leaving cookies and milk I'll leave all the shit I own, and then they will transform it into gifts. How fantastic.

So if you ever hear some one say "Fuck I just moved in here, and Im so pissed I have to unpack everything," just slap them in the face and tell them to embrace the celebration in moving.

Life plans.

I have formed a list of 10 things that I will do with my life if my actual life plans are not met.

Such as:

1. Start a Toasted Ravioli stand on the beach in California.
2. Travel to various restaurants to complete their food challenges, but not have a food net work show for it.
3. Figure out how to solve that math problem in Good Will Hunting.
4. Smuggle endangered species into america, and sell them as pets.
5. Set the Guinness World Record for consecutive amount of days naked.
6. Walk to Alaska.
7. Eventually, stop showering.
8. Make mass quantities of moonshine, and store them in giant casks in my basement.
9. As soon as I turn 70, sit on my porch and heckle everyone that walks near by.
10. Spend a majority of my time on the couch.

Pancakes and Syrup.

Me-(I fart, and it's the textbook sound of a fart)
Me-"I think I just crapped my pants.."

Me-(Again, I fart and it sounded identical to the first one)
Me-"Dude those sounded like perfect farts."
Tony-"That sounded like pancakes, and syrup."

The Streak is over.

~April 29, 2006 - Robert turns 16

~April 30, 2006 - July 19, 2010...Robert Drives 2,364 times with over a .23 BAC (Blood Alcohol Content), he does so flawlessly, obeying every Missouri Traffic law, and without danger.

July 19, 2010, Robert's car gets to know Chelsea's very well.

This is my account of what happened

• We arrive at Robert's basement at around 9:10 p.m. all is well, everything carries on like any other night, he hates Josh, Jack, and any one else who touches the stereo.
• Robert proceeds to drink very heavily, an unbalanced mixture of Popov Vodka and Sunny Delight. (Basically 87% Popov 13% Sunny Delight). This goes on for a couple hours.
• Robert+Popov+Sunny Delight+15 Kool Cigarettes= The "Tight, get out of my basement," Robert.
• I step out back with my friend Jack, and we begin seeing our friends coming out of the basement one after another. We ask "Where are you guys going?" They reply, "Robert is getting pissed and kicking everyone out of his basement." (This usually happens, but we stay most of the time. Not tonight)
• Pretty soon the backyard is now the new location for the party, and Robert follows suit by kicking everyone out of the backyard in style.
• So the party is now in the ally, and we are all making small talk on what to do next when Robert pulls out of his garage in a haste fashion. Brian comments, "Well it was nice knowing Robert, he's going to wreck his car tonight."
• About two minutes pass by then all of the sudden, we are distracted from our conversations by an over-revved car engine, this is Robert.
• Next thing I know I see a car flash by at about 35 miles per hour (It's Robert backing up to tell us "Tight, get the fuck out of my ally!" or "O really guys, like get out of my ally.")
• Instead we just hear/see him rear-end Chelsea's car at 35 miles per hour. It lifted her back car tires up off the ground, and made her car rear-end the car in-front of her. hahahahahhahhahahahahahahaha
• Chelsea yells,"THATS MY FUCKING CAR ROBERT!"
• For some reason I start running.
• As I am running away I look back only to see Robert turning around and heading towards us.
• Everyone is running. Josh yells to me, "RUN STEVE, RUN HES COMING BACK."
• I thought Robert fell into some kind of Drunk induced rage, and was going to drive up on the lawns and begin mowing down his friends with his Pontiac, so I ran.
• But he didn't.
• It was an accident, and surprisingly his car only had minimal scratches, and Chelsea's suffered little to no damage.

We then all looked up into the camera with our hands up, embracing Robert, smiling saying, "Oh, Robert." The screen zoomed into a tiny dot around just Robert's smiling face and that was the end of that sit-com episode.

Note: Chelsea, Robert told me to say he's very sorry.

Cheese balls, With a shovel?

Is this a joke, or has america just totally given up on living a more healthy lifestyle. I saw this last night and not only do the cheese balls come in a bucket, but they also have a fucking shovel attached to the side so we can force obesity on our selves and eat the way farm animals do.

I sure hope someone reads this post eventually while eating a bucket of cheese balls with a miniature toy shovel.

Heights.

I believe that when God made the penis he created it with a device that senses heights to warn us. As soon as I get really high up and close to the edge its triggered and makes my junk tingle. I can only assume God made this device in the wiener for the soul purpose that the penis and balls are obviously the most important organ on the body, of course I"ll listen. The balls converse with the penis about the correct time to trigger the alarm.

Balls "Hey penis me and my twin were talking and we are like 3/4 up the Superman Tower of Power, should trip the height alarm?"
Penis "No not yet."

Balls "Penis we are getting pretty high up now almost to the top, how about the alarm?"
Penis "Good call testicles, let's trip the alarm."

Crazy Internet Videos.

Their are a whole shit load of bizarre videos floating around on the internet. Such as two girls eating poop, a guy banging a horse, guys cutting their own cocks off, and so on. What I'm trying to figure out is... Why the hell are people watching this morbid bullshit? People will come up to me, "Dude you gotta see this new video of a guy cutting his dong off and feeding it to a camel it's hilarious." and I will usually say, "Uh actually no I don't have to see that, and for some reason that doesn't seem too funny." Seeing a man remove his own penis makes me cringe, and remember how grateful I am to still be in touch with my small solider. I mean this isn't Americas home videos when the dad pitching to his son gets hit in the junk with a line drive. Now that is quality television. And for two girls one cup, I was completely shocked because I never knew girls poop. I guess you learn something new everyday.

Picking your nose.

I am a very strong advocate of nose picking at anytime, and any place. When people ask me, "Steve why the fuck are you picking your nose all the time is fucking sick." I usually reply with, "Well we all pick our noses whether it's in the public or private, so I just do it whenever I have a big booger."

But today it came to me, I am terribly wrong. Just because we all do something in private all the time it definitely doesn't make it acceptable in public. For instance, Pooping. If I took a poop in public, and someone saw this and approached me and said, "Dude why the fuck are you shitting on the floor in the middle of best buy?" and I replied with "Well we all do this so what's the difference where I do it at." Im not to sure that would be a valid excuse, and I am not to sure if best buy would welcome me back.

The list goes on and on of examples of things we do in private, and can't do in public such as; Listen to Justin Bieber, sit in the nude and watch Seinfeld reruns, "Shake hands with ben franklin"(If you have seen Almost Heros), drink Mike's Hard Lemonade, watch the film Chocolat with Johnny Depp, and so on and so forth.

Anyways I apologize if I have used my excuse for picking my nose on you, but I will continue to pick my nose just so I can get rid of those rock-hard boogers that we pick and three nose hairs come with it and can nearly make a person cry. If you understood that last part, then hello fellow nose pickers.

The Timmy Duong Fart

Where do I begin? Well, it was religion class sophomore year and we were all still so young and naive. The course was taught by a priest at Dubourg, and the class had about 27 students in it including; the man himself Timmy Duong, my good friend Joe (Joe will vouch for the significance of this fart), of course myself, and the rest of the class.

It was a winter morning that day and we were nearing the end of the class so our teacher granted us "free time", so my friends and I proceeded making small talk to pass the time. Timmy sat in front of me but was facing forward and not engaging in our conversation on this day. All of the sudden with no noise warning what so ever, I smelt it. It was unlike any other smell I have ever experienced. I proceeded to gag violently as the rest of my class was alerted by this smell, and I began feeling very faint. The next series of events is very fuzzy because just two minutes later I fell into a coma and woke up 2 months later. Since then my friends and I compiled all of the details of his fart on that day.

Timmy Duong's Fart
-Made our Priest teacher say "Holy Shit!"
-Killed three students in the classroom, and one student in the class next door.
-Burned a hole in the seat of his desk.
-Knocked out the power in a three-block radius around our school.
-Was a green haze that lingered near the floor.
-Caused the room to have radiation for the next 50 years.
-Made 4 kids puke.
-Made 2 kids go bald.
-Forced earth into global warming.
-My friend Joe has to use entire shakers of pepper on each meal just to begin to taste his food.
-Caused a media black out.
-Had a little bit of every villain from every movie ever made combined in it.


No fart will never match it, nor trump it.

Fart

As I sat at my computer and began writing todays blog I let out a fart, and within 12 seconds I couldn't bear the stench and had to leave the room. I then deleted what I had written and posted this because I thought it to be much more important. Come on how often do you fart your own self out of a room? This was no where near on the level of the astronomical "Timmy Duong Fart", which I am sure most of you have heard of by now, but if not I will make a post tomorrow strictly describing Timmy's Fart, a.k.a. the fart heard round' the world.

Ray's Coffee Bar

2.50 Beers, 8 bucks a pitcher,1 Dollar Pool, what more can you ask for? Nothing, Rays is an exclusive Bar, and apparently a Coffee Lounge located in the heart of Bevo. With its fantastic location and wonderful energy, rays is the place to be seen in St. Louis night life. Spill a beer on the floor?...Don't worry about it. Have to pee but the bathroom is full?...Just go in the corner. Break a pull stick in half?...Just throw it behind the couches.

Oh, and did I mention the weekly events, no i didn't. Ranging anywhere from 80's night to Thirsty Thursdays, Ray's keeps us guessing night after night with fantastic new promotions. But be careful guys and gals if it gets a little too crowded on weekdays and weekends, you have to be 18 to get in, 18 to drink. If your lucky enough to get in their is a slight chance you will get to see the basement of Sweet baby Ray's. I bet your wondering gee Steve how would I be granted such a privilege, and I would probably be like well if the police come Ray himself shuns the entire bar to the basement because he is providing the whole metropolitan community alcohol underage. (How Delightful!)

So come out to Ray's teens, but don't get the so called "coffee" grab and ice cold frosty, and break a pool stick or two, its the least you can do.

July 10th 2010, Saturday Night

1 Pulled pork sandwich

+2 Helpings of corn

+1 Jungle Juice

+1 Busch

+1 Bud Light

+1 Bud Light

+1 Glass of wine

+1 Bud Select

+1 Bud Light

+1 Busch

+1 Busch

+1 Busch

+1 Busch (We had run out of Bud Light and Bud Select at this point)

+1 Busch

+16 Chicken wings

+1 Busch

+1 Busch

+0 Sleep

__________________

= Horrible Diarrhea with corn in it all Sunday-Monday...

Gravity Defyer?

Is it me, or judging by the logo of this shoe, they should switch the name from Gravity Defyer to Sperm Defyer. Those little ball things with tails really resemble a cartoon depiction of the stuff that comes out of a shlong when its aroused.

Who knows, maybe the shoe promotes overall sperm count.

Boobs.

After many long heated arguments with my friends, I decided to put the mind blasting questions we often debate on here.

Why do guys like boobs?
When did they start liking boobs?
How did they start liking boobs?
And finally..
Why are they called boobs?

These questions have been unanswered for centuries, and boggle even the minds of some of the most elite scientists. I mean when did guys have a sudden desire for boobs, I don't think any other species has the same satisfaction with breasts. Was this a sudden reaction to the first female boob, or did it happen over thousands of years by way of evolution. These important questions will always haunt us.

Dog Food

As I was watching my friends dog eat its daily meal of dog food, it came to me. How the fuck do dogs eat the same exact shit everyday? I get pissed off when my mom makes lasagna more than once in like a two week span. I feel bad for man's best friend because dog food can't be any good. Im sure every day when we bring out that bowl of dog food that dog is just thinkin please don't be those brown balls, please dont be those brown balls I eat everyday, and then aw fuck its the brown balls.. Its mind blowing that an animal can live off something that looks like coco puffs but smells like shit.

The fantastic snack known to us humans as "puppy chow" should really be called something else because I don't think puppies chow on anything that tastes that delicious.

Meatballs.

Today I took a poop and one of the turds sort of resembled a meatball. This made me remember how good spaghetti and meat balls is and kind of crave it. Then I realized I had a sudden urge to eat spaghetti and meat balls from the shape of my poop, and quickly lost my appetite.

I think this is an appropriate video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYW6C44zo24&feature=related

How I got this Blog.

It was the fourth grade and a couple friends and I rented a dvd of a TV show called The Benny Hills Show, the show featured a comedian by the name of Benny hills, and right of the bat the show had boobs in it which immediately sparked our interest. Benny Hills who was an englishman, often called his friends and acquaintances "Blokes" in the show. Sometime thereafter I myself was granted the nick name "blokes", but since we were in the fourth grade we spelt the word "bloges", and pronounced the word "blowgs". It being spelt very similar to the internet craze known as "blogs", or "blogging" I was quickly informed of this, and outraged, so now ten years later today, I offically started my first blog. I am now considering suing the inventor of blogging for copyright infringement of my fourth grade nick name.